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What Women Want Today
What Women Want Today

Episode 42 · 1 year ago

Boundaries

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

The topic today is BOUNDARIES

  • Why they are important
  • Where should you start
  • What role do you play in boundaries 

 If you are struggling to set boundaries, today's topic is for you.  

Boundaries are an act of self-love. They are a gift that help people in your life understand you and are are crucial for healthy, long term relatinships.

You'll find out how boundaries are related to our values, and how they can help keep you on track with your goals.

Hello and welcome to what women want today podcast. You might be asking yourself right about now. Well, what do women want? I mean, we're pretty complex creatures, right. Well, I think we want it all, and I'm here to export with you. My name is Terry Kellum's, I'm your host. Go grab your favorite beverage, I've already got my glass of wine, and let's get started. Hello and welcome back to another episode of the what women want today podcast. This is Terry Callum's, your host, and today we're talking about boundaries. If you feel like you're reacting to life rather than enjoying it, if you feel your relationships are out of control, it's often because you have a lack of boundaries. You may be tempted to think of boundaries and think of rigid rules that are fixed, where there is never any flexibility or change. But today I want to arm you with a new way of thinking about boundaries. They really are an act of kindness. Boundaries should be about you taking ownership of your needs, your wants and your feelings. Setting healthy boundaries doesn't mean you have no stake in other people's problems or their concerns. It definitely doesn't mean you don't care about them. It just means you're not solely responsible for them. So stay with me today, because I'm going to talk to you about how our boundaries are related to our values. The four are you you should consider, starting with how to recognize when a boundary needs to be set, and I'm going to share a few stories with you to help you see how the lack of boundaries cause stress, unhappiness and relationships that are out of balance. I'm also going to give you three questions we can ask ourselves around our own need for boundaries. It probably doesn't surprise you to know that we learn about boundaries from the household we grow up and you could have grown up in a home like Lori, not her real name by the way, and her home there were basically no rules.

You ate what you wanted whenever you wanted. School was kind of a formality. There were no bedtimes or curfews, and cussing, partying and sex. Well, that's just what kids do. Or maybe you grew up in a home like mine, very strict, nonnegotiable rules. I remember once, as a probably junior high, I'm going to say junior high, I was over at a friend's house and I came home five minutes late and my punishment five weeks of being grounded, one week for every minute I was late. Now those are two extreme examples right and if you're curious of how those two played out in adulthood for those two people, I'm going to get to that a little bit later on in the podcast. Boundaries really are a form of self care, and healthy long term relationships require boundaries that are enforced and respected. So boundaries are value based. And the three, or let's say for four, main relationships that you may want to start with our your spouse, your role as a boss or employee, your family and your friends, and these are the ones we're going to talk about today. However, there are other areas you may deemed consider. They include physical boundaries, privacy, personal space, sexual boundaries, which cannot only include touch, but could be comments, innuendos and jokes that make you feel uncomfortable. Emotional boundaries, and that means, you know, some people are much more comfortable sharing their feelings and emotions, but other people may not only be uncomfortable sharing theirs, they may also be uncomfortable with you sharing yours. Financial Boundaries. This is another boundary people...

...may have to put in place. I know my husband and I have adopted the stance that we will only loan you money if you pay it back and we won't learn money that we can afford not to get paid back. Technology boundaries this might look like no cell phones during dinner time and no posting about someone on social media without discussing it with that person. I think this is a pretty hot button with parents who don't want their children and photo was on the Internet. I've heard few people talking about that. Thoughts, beliefs and opinions, and this can include disrespectful and dismissive behaviors towards you because of your beliefs. Right now, I see this happening a lot over different political beliefs and even some religious beliefs. Unfortunately, I've had this happened to me. I met a girlfriend for drinks one night and she brought up politics and I reminded her that this is something I'm not willing to discuss with her, or really anybody. I don't talk about politics. She insisted, to the point that we both felt angry towards each other and she went home and told her husband about our conversation and when I woke up the next morning he had sent me a pretty nasty message and proceeded to rip into me about the same exact topic. So I just I needed some space. So I gave some space with a relationship and then weeks later she started up again via text message. So when a request for healthy boundary and a relationship causes hurt, it's very likely that their relationship is to blame and not the boundary. So let's talk about how rolls play into situations that require boundaries. When you consider how personality plays into this, you can probably relate to two different types, the pushover and the bulldozer, and it can be difficult to set boundaries, especially if we aren't deeply connected to our value and research shows that when we align our...

...behaviors with our values, we are more likely to feel confident, happy, selfaware and are capable of deep connections and are able to impact our world and the world around us. All Right, so my first story I'm going to tell you the story about a couple. Husband was, I would say, very image conscious. He loved the idea that the world saw him as successful and his family as sort of the ideal that everyone would strive for. They had a pretty large family, five, five children, and the wife traveled often for work. But at Christmas time the husband wanted everyone to have matching outfits and, you know, he wanted his wife to write this Christmas annual Christmas like newsletter and send out the photo with the newsletter. And the wife had been traveling more than usual in plan to skip the letter this year and just go forward with like a nice card. So when her husband asked when she was going to take the children chopping for their outfits, she told him about her plan. When she was finished explaining to her husband that she was too busy, too stressed and overwhelmed at work right now, he simply waited for her to finish talking and said, no, you'll find a way to do it. You always do. And guess what she did? Now? This isn't Ah, she's a Badass moment. It's a try to find matching outfits for three girls and two boys while traveling to work, never mind trying to find the door of the season to spit out a Ho, Ho Ho Mary freaking Christmas tooth letter. Her husband is a bull. Those are in case you were wondering. As he was most likely someone who valued the appearance of perfectionism. He probably ignores his own stress and this stress of his wife, just to give the impression that they do what's expected of them. This value could stem from the stary for excellence. You want to bring your absolute...

...best to everyone and everything you set out to do, and you believe that saying no might be a sign of weakness or, more failing. But when you take it too far, you become obsessed with performance and end up with over the top expectations of yourself and others, and this can lead you to impulsively say yes just to please people and to redeem or prove yourself all right. My next story is about Mary saw. Mary had a very promising career in a fortune five hunted company, and she had moved her way up the corporate ladder, not by luck, which is something she often told herself, but by carefully creating the right relationships and by volunteering for extra projects and, most importantly, because she was a credible, hard worker with a ton of integrity. After her most recent promotion, she was excited to be working with the leader she respected and she knew she could learn from. After only a few short months in the role, the company went through a restructure and Mary found herself working for a leader with a reputation for being all work, no play and no sense of worklife balance. Mary was still new in the role, but it didn't matter to her new leader. She was often called into the office late in the day and told the deadline had been moved and they would have to work into the night to get the job done. Mary didn't argue or complain. She did everything expected of her, and that's where the problems began. First it was with insomnia, then stomach issues. Next came crushing headaches, weight loss and high blood pressure. The quality of her work suffered and eventually she was demoted, not to mention humiliated. She never once tried to talk to her boss about the effects of her work and how they were having and what they were doing to her health. Mary eventually quit her role and left the company. Mary with the pushover and her boss was a bulldozer. Mary most likely had a value of learning and hard work, and...

...these are two very noble values. I admire both of them. But if you're the one at work who says Yes to every project, it can reflect how much you value learning. But when we only say yes, we might be missing chances to invest our time and energy in ways that help us take our values in our goals to new levels. So let go of that story. That's your superwoman. Don't exact cost yourself and compromise your own health and happiness. Let your no be someone else's yes. Say No to less important things and yes to the ones that matter most. My next story is about Linda. Linda's childhood was not easy. I was actually pretty sad. Her father died when she was young and it left her mom to take care of her and her brother all on her own. Her mom had always been a stay at home mom since Linda was born, and therefore she did not have a lot of skills in the workplace. She took a waitressing job, which mostly included evenings and weekends, to have the best shot at the highest amount of tips, and that meant Linda and her brother spent a lot of time at their aunt's house. Their aunt was pretty reasonful to have to take care of the two young children, and she took it out on them by not treating them very nice. Linda did whatever she could to try to make the aunt happy, but it was never quite enough, as an adult, Linda was a warm and caring person and fairy giving to others. She always raised her hand to help out for the clothing drive or the big sale, and when it came to her friendships, she often attracted people who loved the fact that Linda was a giver. In fact, it was common for people to ask Linda to pet sit, babysit fill in the blanks. Because Linda worked from home, many of her friends assumed she was available to do a host of things for them, and they weren't afraid to ask. Linda found her days to be so busy doing things for others that her own work was suffering and she began to feel lone, only take an advantage of and reasonful.

But when she tried to say no, she was met with manipulative and guilt and deuced responses that always caused her to cave in. If you have the tendency to believe that you should always be there for people, it's more than likely it's because you value friendships and deep relationships. But don't confuse your value of deep connections to doing the things or accepting behaviors that make you feel disrespected, unappreciated and undervalued. All right. So where do we start? All right, number one, to find what's most important to you. What are your coal at core values? How can you use them to set boundaries? How will those boundaries improve your relationships and your quality of life? Next, look at the big picture. Living your life like a superhero want to be can exhaust even the most dedicated committed of humans. Let your no be someone else's yes. Learning to say no is a way of nurturing yourself, and it frees you to say yes to the things that you really want to all right by time. So, when you're learning to set new boundaries, resist their urge to answer immediately. Take a time to pause, go back to your values. Ask yourself these questions. Is this the right fit at the moment? How urgent is this? Is there a chance this opportunity will come up again in the future? Is someone that's questing this favor of you also going to be willing to help you out down the road if you need it? Does this new commitment align with your personal needs? In other words, are you going to be spending so much time doing this that you're not going to have time for your own needs? What is the long term versus the short term benefit, what potential risks might exist? Does this commitment truly aligned with your values and your goals practice saying no? So a funny story about this. My husband and I are early risers, so the majority of the...

...time during the week we are often in bed asleep between eight and nine B M. Occasionally we get invited to do something in the evening and we just don't feel like it's something that couldn't wait to the weekend to do. So my husband leaves it up to me to be the one to decline. He doesn't like the perception of being the bad guy. So after an invite that I declined, he came home later that day and he said, so, what did you tell them? I was initially couldn't confused because I thought maybe had changed his mind and wanted to go do it. So I said, well, I told them no, and he said yeah, yeah, but what was the reason you told them? I lapped and I said, honey, you don't need a reason to say no. You simply say thank you for the invite, we're not going to be able to join you. However, I realize that some people will not take a simple response here, so I'm going to give you a few more to try. That sounds like a great opportunity and I'm bummed I'm going to have to say no. I'd love to, but I'm overcommitted right now and won't be able to give it the time it deserves. Can you approach me again on this in a few weeks? It's really hard for me to say no, but I'm going to have to this time. The secret to setting boundaries is to give yourself permission to live true to your values, not everyone else's demands and attendas. You can't say yes to everyone and everything and still stay healthy. Now, when I was preparing for this topic, I told my husband what I was going to be talking about and he didn't even skip a beat. Like he immediately said, yeah, I have no boundaries. So it's not just about being a pushover or bulldozer. Sometimes you can be both. So what you need to do is learn to respond rather than react. Reacting is more instinctive and often emotional. Responding is the ability to stay calm, step back, analyze and assess the situation before you act. Three questions that you can ask yourself.

Where have you lost control of your own needs? Where have you taken ownership of needs that aren't your own? And, lastly, where have you pushed your responsibility for your needs upon others? You may likely encounter someone who will just not honor boundary, sometimes even a family member, and it could erode the relationship to the point where you can't continue to have them in your life. But don't be tempted to hold them in a place of unforgiveness. Putting them there means you still expect something out of them. Now remember earlier when I describe the scenarios of how our home environment shapes us. Well, Lorie, due to having a lack of any boundaries, became a bulldozer, and you might think, well, that's cool, because she probably doesn't have a problem maintaining her boundaries, and on the surface that might seem like a temporary win. But in the long run, bulldozers run the risk of not having the quality relationships they desire because they have a tendency to run over people and they're hard to say no to. Therefore, they've most likely developed some resentment in their relationships. And Me, well, I'm the pushover. It's been a long, hard road in setting boundaries, mostly because I've had to get to the point where I was really angry before I tried to set one, and that doesn't really set the tone for productive conversation. Okay, it's the end of our time together and I want to leave you some last reminders. For those of us who struggle with boundaries, know your values and set the boundaries appropriately around those values. Be careful of the bulldozers. You give them an inch and they will roll right over you until your boundary doesn't even exist anymore. Be Consistent with the boundary, but remember not every boundary has to be rigid. You'll have to use some of your judgment on this. You don't have to be confrontational when enforcing your boundary. Healthy boundaries are a two way street. When you draw the line in which you're willing to accept,...

...you must also have to respect the line that someone else draws as well. And finally, throw out the myth at setting boundaries is selfish and replace it with self love. I'm going to leave you with a quote today by Berne Brown. She says daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. Thank you so much for being here with me today. Until next time, please remember to take good care of you. Thank you so much for joining me. I hope you enjoyed today's conversation as much as I did. If you'd like to continue the conversation, come on over and join our private facebook group what women want today, and love to hang out with you some more there. Any resources mentioned in today's episode will be in the show notes. You can find me on facebook and Instagram at what women want to day podcast, or visit my website at what women want to daycom please remember to subscribe, download and share. Leave me a review. It helps other amazing women find the show and become a member of our community. One last thing for you today. You are not alone. You are worthy of love and a fulfilled life. Now it's time to go after it.

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