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What Women Want Today
What Women Want Today

Episode 73 · 4 months ago

How Midlife Effects Men w/James Davis, Midlife Mentors

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

In today's podcast episode, I am revisiting a conversation I had on IG with James Davis.  

James & Claire Davis are the hosts of The Midlife Mentors Podcast you can find them on Instagram HERE 

In today's conversation we talked about:

  1.  How declining testosterone affects men and how that can affect your relationship.
  2.  How much our mindset affects our ability to make lasting change.
  3. Men loose a lot of their social connects as they age
  4. Men are less likely to seek medical attention for hormone related issues.

Remember to leave a rating and review for the podcast, and share this episode with a friend

Episode 48 with James & Claire 

Hello, hello, and welcome to what women want today podcast. You might be asking yourself right about now. Well, what do women want? I mean we're pretty complex creatures, right. Well, I think we want it all, and I'm here to export with you. My name is Terry Kellums I'm your host. Go grab your favorite beverage. I've already cut my glass of wine and let's get started. Hello, hello, welcome to this week's episode of what women want today podcast. This is your host, Terry Kellum's last week on the podcast we talked about menopause. That was episode seventy two with Tracy from sexy aging podcast. Well, during our conversation, Tracy and I talked about normalizing the menopause conversation and how menopause is not really just a woman's issue. It's also a couple's issue, a family issue and even a community issue. So today I decided to air an instagram live I did in November last year with James from midlife mentors, and James shared what midlife looks like from the male perspective. I thought it might be a great episode to Air following last week's conversation with racy. You might also remember James and Claire Davis. They were on the podcast in January, episode forty eight. If you want to take a listen to that, I'll go ahead and link that in the show notes. James and Claire are hosts of their own podcast, the midlife mentors. They are also on Instagram as the midlife mentors, so go and check them out there. I know you will enjoy their content. I also hope you enjoy this conversation today with James as much as I did. Yeah, morning, so I know it's evening for you guys, and you guys are just such good sports about this whole thing. I appreciate you so much. Oh, not at all. It's a pleasure. It's great to be want. Yes, I thank you. Well, you know I'm not. I do confess I'm that much of a morning person. So, Um, I've had my coffee, I'm drinking my tea, but it didn't make me think, like, what do people in Spreen do for breakfast and for their wake up beverage in the morning? I want to know. Well, actually, probably not. What we have. We were pretty focused on. We have the typical Spanish thing and often see them in little cafes and bars, kind of strong coffee, like a like a bit of lightly toasted read with like chopped tomato and Oliver on it, maybe with some cheese and ham as well as what they tend to eat for breakfast here. It's sort of like Italy. Yeah, that's quite similar. Yeah, then by about ten o'clock you see some people drinking the beers. So it's quite interesting. We were we were in the airport of me and my husband the other morning and, Gosh, it was early, I want to say it was like, I don't know, eight am maybe, and we saw somebody drinking and I said I don't know how people do that, but my husband goes well as it's a bloody Mary, so that's okay. You know, in England it's a big cultural thing where people go on holiday and they got there holiday. You will see you get to the airport like sometimes, you know, there five in the morning. You got when those really early flights and people who all sat in the pub at the airport are drinking pints of beer with their breakfast because they're excited about their holidays. And Yeah, well, we were. We were, I'm sorry, we were in Las Vegas, so that probably had something to do with you know, the alcohol consumption. So, oh, Claire has never been to Vegas. I've got to take them one day. Yeah, so that I'm glad you said that about clear because, Um, we, you and Claire and me and my husband, has something in common. You guys met and got married in Midlife and so did we. So we're going to have to talk about that during during the podcast, when we when we have you on. So that'll be a one conversation...

...too. You know, James, this morning, Um, as I was scrolling through social media, I thought about our conversation today and I thought, you know what, Um, it's just beginning like over the past couple of years, Um, I don't know, maybe two, maybe three, where the conversation about menopause for women has just become so much more acceptable. Um, it's something that you didn't talk about before. Um. I mentioned to clear that, you know, the United Kingdom seems to be world ahead of us, at least the people that I tend to, the circle's I tend to Um Network in. Um. So I'm very excited about that. But we're still not talking about what men go through in Midlife. And so thanks for coming on with me today to to shut a little light on that. Um, I did a little search on Instagram, that you know, a little hashtag search that you can do, and there were less than ten posts about Andre Pause or mail menopause. Less than ten. I okay, well, it is international man's Day on Friday, so I need to do something around the male Menopaus for that, I think. and yeah, Hashtag male menopause androw walls for sure. And you know, the other interesting thing, which I don't know if the cultural thing or not, so maybe you can have to shut a little light on that as well, is Um men. In America there's a stereotypical men do not like to go to the doctor, men do not like to talk about their health, they don't want to deal with their health. Um, they're like to just sort of ignore it and hope it kind of all goes away. Is it? Is that a cultural thing but the needs days, or do you think that tends to be men in general across across the US and Western Europe? You know, generally men have a number of negative factors going for them, especially Midlife, is that they tend to developed less robust social networks. So they tend to have, especially outside of work, less friends, which means, in turn, they thoughtless work to speak to, but they also tend to be US willing to open up and being vulnerable to the friends that they do have. And then, yeah, there's also this reluctance to go and see Medical Chrishianness. Will Man be like, Oh, I'll just yea. Literally, they ignore the pain in the arm until the arms actually hanging off and then every time to get something seen. Yeah, it's a well known that men, men are bad, are going to see medical help early on. Yeah, so, and you know, I have to say I know some women who are are very much the same. But, Um, you know, what I'm really enjoying about Midlife is, Um, we're having better conversations about a lot of things. Um, we're seeing people come together across oceans right like you're over there in Spain and I'm here in Arizona and we're kind of Um, we're making it possible and making it more well known that Midlife can be the best time of your life. You know, it's not something to be dreaded or you know, we're not ready for our racking cheers yet. We've got a lot of lateness and we've got a lot of upper and I see you and clear are doing that. You guys have your own podcast. Tell me a little bit more about what you and clear are doing and kind of how you got there. Yeah, sure, I mean I love it. You said that, like what we do, is all about embracing what we call the second act with joy, because, you know, our inspiration for getting started this was like our own age. So I'm on forty nine and a few weeks and we're obviously training a lot of clients. We were unfitness retreats and we were seeing a lot of in that age group, Midlife, a lot of similar things being presented over and over and over, whether that was physical, emotional, kind of mental issues as well. So that's what we spur us to start working and focus on the Midlife Niche, I guess. And also it's mainly driven by seeing friends of ours just be like, Oh, yeah, it's a start. At the end, this is the inevitable decline and actually something. Think about it, you know, with a violence in medical science we're, you know, if we're lucky, living longer, we've...

...probably still got forty five percent of our life left and it's about not just the length of the quality of our life, and what we don't want to be is like, you know, by the time we're in our late seventies, we've all frozen up our joints, we've lost our movement, with struggling to get of an arm chair. It is possible you're doing the right things to basically maintain your quality of life, be healthy the actively moving all the way into like your late eighties and beyond. So he really wants to show people. You know, start future planning now. It's like the thing about going to the hospital you know you can. Don't wait till your arms actually hanging off before you go. Don't wait till you know you can't get out of the chair. Start Moving now, and Midlife is the ideal time to get going. It is when all these all medal changes kicked in for men and women. You know, women have the perimenopause and menopause. Males, men started to feel the effect of the male menopause. We were not offset some of those things that are naturally occurring with the hormone changes by by doing certain lifestyle adjustment. So we all mind tanging on health, not just our physical health, but working on our emotional well being and our mindset as well, it's so important to cultify a post of mindset. I'm forward, I love that. I love that, and, you know, for women, Um, I will say that this time of life kind of it almost, Um, is a where am I? What? What do I want to do with this next part of my life? Um, if you've only focused on your career, you might have a like this gaping whole of I forgot to develop relationships, I forgot to travel, I forgot to you know, et Cetera. Um, but if you've been, you know, more of a stay at home mom or or someone who just had a job and nurtured her family, you might be like, well, did I miss a career? You know, and so I love what you're seeing, I love what you guys are doing. Um, I also realized that at this time of life it's almost as if, yeah, we have so much time, you know, if we haven't focused on our health before, I mean, what do you do now? I mean it's a great time to start, right, but yeah, but at the same time, if you haven't had that habit, where do you start? Exactly that, you know, and this is what we get asked a lot, and we always say it's psychology, mechanics. You know, if you want to talk with just like boil it down to like getting fitter or losing a bit of extra weight that you've put on. Actually, mechanically that's quite easy, right. You just need to address your eating habits and move more. But if it was that easy, we all have success out all the time and we all know, like diets, which which we hate, by the way, we coach people with nutrition for sustainable results, but diets has made like a failure right, because what you're not doing is actually changing your internal belief systems. So you know you're doing what we call the external work, but you're not doing the internals believes actually like start living and breathing the mindset that you can achieve this and sustain it for long term. So most of what we do is around behavioral change, you know, looking at what are the limiting beliefs people are carrying? Are those beliefs are going to hold you back and moving forward, moving into the person you want to become. You know what the supporting beliefs? You can start to change those two in order to become that person. Use some future rehearsal. See Yourself Five, ten years down the line. What do you want? How is that person, that idea or you showing up? How are they behaving? How are they feeling? What are they doing? And then just step into the shoes of that person. Now you start actually creating, we call it, like you can't outperform your self identity. So you know, if you're stuck there and you're like, I've never done this, I can't do it, it's too hard, guess what you are going to stay something that I think Henry Ford said. Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right. Yeah, start doing you start going, okay, how can I change what is holding me back, what my belief structures are holding me back, and start working on engine those over times. Either thing, you know, our beliefs aren't fixed. We can change them and we all deserve to. We all deserve to live our best life. So it's not easy work and it quite acquires a lot of like introspection and...

...honesty with yourself, but it's so, so worth while. You know, it's so worthwhile. We're seeing our clients go through it. We go through it. We constantly working ourselves and it makes that hard bit of the mechanics become easy, right because if you believes, beliefs are that you love making healthy choices around food, you enjoy moving your body, guess what? Becomes a pleasure to do that and then you don't get the cravings to eat, eat the bad stuff all the time, to like just sit on the couch and watch television while getting out and about. So, yeah, yeah, well, I mean you and clear are definitely the experts, but this is this is something I shared recently in a podcast. Um, my husband's best friend from high school, Um, he has decided to make some of my sale changes. He has gained quite a bit of weight and he's seeing the effects of its shop in his health. And you know, I was talking to my husband about it and you know, I said, well, you know, I don't think lasting change happens quickly. So you can, you know, go from one day eating fast food, two meals a day, five days a week, to suddenly saying I'm never eating a fast food meal again. And you can't go from someone who drinks, you know, a six pack of Soda a day to say I'm never going to drink another soda. So you know, what I told him was, instead of going into it thinking that you're going to deprive yourself of something. Sorry, switch it around in your head and say I'm going to replace it. So, instead of having a coke at every meal, I'm going to replace it with a sparkling water with some lime squeeze. Did it, you know. So we we can. We do have a belief system. Yeah, I agree with you so much on that, but we can reprogram the belief system. We just can't do it and expect it to last if we're going to throw everything and and you know, especially in Midlife when we become so ingrained in our habits, and you know we're I don't know about you, I'll speak for me. I have become a much more habitual person. You know, I like to I like to eat my same boots, I like to walk at the same time. I like my path, you know. So it's it's a little bit tougher in Midlife to start making some of those changes, but it does start here. Absolutely. And what you're saying that you know, they think, think about habits. Often we start to pick up our habits in childhood and then they grow and grow. There's a lot of research, you know, the longer we have a habit or a belief you know, the more entrenched it is, like we actually build neural pathways in our breath. And Yeah, the more we do the habit, the thicker they get to allow it to become easier and easy for us to do like unconsciously. You know, I always say, well, most people in America drive automatic cars, right, but yeah, stick shift is like a whole challenge. And we're saying the first time people sit in a car and they're like, I've got to drive this and trying to like juggle the pedals, the stick, the steering wheel. And now, you know, most people want to say juven what can just get in a car and be flicking through the radio or they drop they don't even think about it. Unconscious behavior is the best example of a habit. But here's what we need to do at Midlife. Is like just be. This is the honesty we needs, because awareness proceeds change. You know, what do we what do we not like so much about someone? We've all what habits we don't like, what's tripping us up? You know, it might be yeah, we're drinking that six pack of Soda every week or even every day, uh, and we know that's not good for us, but it's habit is ingrained. So recipe honest about what that habit is and then start to work to change it. And, like you said, a little steps do add up over time and everyone gets that, unfortunately, and we all live in this quick, fixed culture and know it's being pushed at us by marketing advertising people. Again, going back to the Diet Industry, every diet book will be like lose twenty pounds in twenty days. The next one'll be like no, lose ten pounds in ten days. would be like lose a hundred pounds in five days. Do you get the idea? But like change, sustainable change isn't fast. We just we just like to think that it is. I always say to it. People like Oh, I've got on so much weight. Could I lose like thirty pounds in the first week? And you're like, well, unless I chop...

...off the limb. No, it's a thing like you didn't go to bed one day and then wake up next morning and you were like the pounds of video. It happens over time. So we should expect the change to be over time. But I'll say what I said before. The work to do it. It's so worthwhile because think about the good habits and you have the stuff that supports you a good a good habit or say a helpful habit. I hope likes to label them's little, a bad helpful habit that we all have. Probably, hopefully it's like cleaning our teeth. You know, we probably all get up in the morning and brush our teeth. Again, it's not a thing we think about. That's just an ingrain habit. I wake up, I'll go to the bathroom, I'll brush my teeth. What other habits do you have? Because this is the thing we needs to get down in yourself. But we'll all have all these helpful habits that are already aligned and when you start actually breaking as listing them, breaking them down, it's telling reminding your subconscious you are capable of achieving things that are helpful to where you want to be. So then just bring the same honesty to your unhelpful habits and start to change the slowly, a little bit, a little over time. Yeah, for sure. So when I had Um, the hormone doctor on my podcast a few weeks ago, we touched a little bit on, you know, what men go through in Midlife, Um, but his take on it was that. You know, for women we tend to have a lot of little things happening to us at once, whereas men it's it's a much slower um progress and so it might not be as noticeable. Um, have you so you said you're gonna be forty nine. Have you experienced any of the changes in Midlife that they talked about when they're when they're talking about andropause? I mean, I'm sure I have, but I've been training and working on the hats to kind of work with it so long it behalf for me to know, but I've definitely like seen it in friends. But you know, I do notice that when I compete against uh, younger guys night sporting so that I took up boxing recently and you know for sure I'm not I'm not as fast, my actions aren't as quick as people in their twenties and thirties and now are, you know, and now I'm pushing the fifties. So that is an example that I can see. I know that's what the result of natural agent process. So again it's about having compassion with it and this is a bit that we're missing, I think, especially for men. So it's great that we're having a conversation around the women's metaphors and it's great. It's so good that there's so much out there and in the UK now it's it's such a big thing, which is just fantastic women. It's a really kind of pronounced sphase and it happens over quite a short space of time, so the symptoms are more acute, if you like, like your friends were saying. For men, the main driver is that testosterone levels declining, declining slowly, around one percent per year, which isn't noticeable. You know, you won't notice from one year to the next, but by the time you're in your mid fifties your testosterone levels could be like lower than they were in your twenties, which, if you just stop and think about it, is a massive difference. So this is why many men don't actually notice what's going on. And something I hear that my mail pliants all the time is like I thought I was doing fine, but then suddenly, like Ah, I just just feel like I've lost my focus or I've lost my edge, or I'm not feeling as confident or I feel my body is starting to let me down, and these are all the little signs that perhaps that cumulative losses started starting to actually affect you on a noticeable level. So okay, so that made me think. Um, so the test taster on is dropping quite a bit and you know, you don't you hear about it more on the women's woman's side, that she loses her sex drive, she loses a lot of her libido. Is that what's happening with men as well, when their test Asteron is starting to decline like that? Yeah, I don't hear that very often. Yeah, no, definitely. So that tsone plays a number of roles in the body. Like them, was most of all that sue, kind of what we would say male characteristic. So your muscle...

...mass or strength also plays a role in compitive function. It plays a role in the central nervous system. But yeah, it plays a role in our libido as well. And actually there is a recent study, I think in Italy, and what was interesting. So if you're not if you're not moving Abo the exercising as well, actually, like looked at the erectile dysfunction with Midlife men and they found that those who were seventary compared to those who were very active. The very active had ten times less reported erectile to function than those are seventary. So it's not only decline to SOSTERONEY. You could you could they didn't go further into you could have authosized from that. Those that are like doing a lot of sport and acts of probably naturally going to have high of SOSTER oonne levels anyway, because when we train intensity day after day continuously, we're temporarily bumping ARTO softerone levels up. So it basically slows the rate of decline. But yeah, Libido is a massive war and again it can cause a massive problem in a relationship, particularly in mid life. You know, if it's both the male and the female of feeling it but they're not communicating it, it can become quite a barrier between them. You know, like they're both they're both not really fancying and get in the bedroom in that thing. But then then the automatic thought is everyone feels it's a kind of rejection. Yeah, it's one of our like our deepest human fears. So you know, you might make an initial approach that the person rebusts you because they're libido is low. Right, it's it's what's going on more. Only then you feel your confidence is not so yeah, it plays out in a number of ways, emotionally and psychologically. Imagine, and I imagine it must be hard if the woman's Sleep Libido isn't act and the man's is not and she, she probably, I would imagine, doesn't want to approach him first of all, because, I mean, what woman wants to? I don't know how. It's the fear this too. Is that just because they norman wants to beg for sex, because you know, it's just supposed to be something automatic. You're supposed to be attracted to me. I'm the female right. So yeah, no woman wants to beg for sex. And I imagine for the man he doesn't want the woman to make him feel inadequate if he's not interested. So yeah, it's probably a very, you know, tricky I don't know what really like you said. There we have. We have so much psychology wrapped up, wrapped up in our sex right. You know, like like if you make you don't want to appear that you're making an approach and get rebuffed, because then you feel like you've been rejected. Um, if the other person may pay and you you're not feeling it, you feel inadequate. You know, it goes both ways. So, yeah, this can cause a massive chasm between partners. Imagine one's one's feeling ribuffed, the other one's feeling inadequate. It's yeah, and less they actually talk about what's going on. Yeah, bring compassion to it then, yeah, it can be a little sticking point. Our mutual friend, UM, reviveerman like marriage podcast, Diana, Um, she talked about this in her podcast yesterday about how, you know, passion is not just intimacy and physical action. So I would encourage anybody WHO's watching this if you haven't listened to Reviberman like marriage podcast. Um, it's mythbuster three in her series. It's it's a good one. So, yeah, we need to be having those conversations. We need to keep the line of Communication Open Um and you know, I imagine maybe for someone like you and Claire and me and Brian who haven't been married as long, maybe it's an easier conversation than maybe a couple who's been together for a long time and have already started to go down the slippery slow before midlife kicked in, you know, sort of losing that Um of that connection and intimacy. So I imagine that must be a struggle yeah, sure. Yeah. So, Um, I don't want to keep you too long. I know it's evening for you. Um, how are you and clear adjusting to your your life there in Spain. Was An easy transition for the two of you. It has banks. We did it lost winter, so we kind of a little bit more new what to expect this time.

So we've we've settled in really well. Actually we've been we've been really busy for the first two weeks. So that's kind of left us feeling a little bit disorientated. I think we're in a new place and they've been super busy. But we've got a bit of space now coming into next week, in the weekend to get out and explore and have some quality time together as well. I think we're gonna do it date on Friday. So that's my top midlife tip is always do date nights of your partner. I loved that. Yeah, I love that tip. Um. So, I was looking at some of the pictures that clear as posted and in my rate that Spain looks a little desert e. It is. So the Interior is very deserty. We're actually down on the coast, so the center of Spain is quite quite deserty in places. The North is very lush and green in mountains. Centering is like there's we saw it all. We have to get the boat because of our dog, England to Spain. So we land in northern Spain. It's all rolling hills, greenery fields. Then it gives way to like desert and then you come down to more Mediterranean field, so you start seeing like palm trees, Fillias, stuff like that. Where we are on the coast it's it's quite green. It's a green strip along the coast here. So it's really lovely, beautiful. It's on my bucket list. I'll be there. I'll be there next year. How about it? It is amazing. You know. They are very, very kind of relaxed. Everything revolves around, around the social life, you know, and you know, just going out. They will just step out of work, take time in a cafe to have a chat with friends with a coffee, take some tapass. So it's really lovely. You know. That's what we loved and what we noticed about our time in Italy was, you know, in America we can be still rushed. We eat, we eat in the car, you know, we eat in front of the TV, like and we saw family is coming together in food and dinner time or meal time was a celebration, you know, and we loved that. We Gosh, we it's so much love to bring more of that type of atmosphere, you know, into where we live. I don't know if it's going to happen, but maybe we'll just have to come visit it. It's wonderful in it. Yeah, yeah, so what's next for you? And clear when you guys got coming up? Wow, we're just talking about this. Ever, the other day, I think we did we did like a little workshop the other night on midlife relationship secrets of thriving midlife relationships, basically based around our own experience and some of our clients, and that was such a success I think we're going to put together like a short course on it. So watch this space on that. Other than that, just discontinuing to like do our podcasts, settling here and yeah, it keeps supporting our clients on our on our programs. Nice. So you guys don't celebrate Thanksgiving next week, right? You already had Thanksgiving in Europe. We don't have Thanksgiving here. Our next big thing is obviously a Christmas and differently in Spain they Christmas. They do celebrate here, but actually a bigger day is just the beginning of January, the three kings day. Okay, yeah, so it's quite nice. So remember the old story of Baby Jesus and the three kings, but they got their late Um. So every everywhere in Spain they have this day where three mental dress art and they have big parades and they have thrown sweets out to all the kids. It's like a big again, like to get a celebration. Everyone comes out and that's where all the present giving and stuff. Oh that sounds fun. I love traditions. Well, James, thank you. Give clear of my love. I look forward to talking to you guys soon. We're going to do that interview for the podcast which will air at the beginning of NY. So I'm excited. I'll have to have you guys come back on here with me around that time as well, so we can, the three of us can chat together. Oh, we'd love to thank you for being an absolutely pleasure speaking to you this morning. You Two all right, you take care, okay, have for the rest of your evening. Thank you. Thank you so much for joining me. I hope you enjoyed today's conversation as much as...

I did. If you'd like to continue the conversation, come on over and join our private facebook group what women want today. I'd love to hang out with you somewhere there. Any resources mentioned in today's episode will be in the show notes. You can find me on facebook and Instagram at what women want today podcast, or visit my website at what women want today Dot Com. Please remember to subscribe, download and share. Leave me a review. It helps other amazing women find the show and become a member of our community. One last thing for you today. You are not alone. You are worthy of love and a fulfilled life. Now it's time to go after it.

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