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What Women Want Today
What Women Want Today

Episode 62 · 7 months ago

Is it quality time or quantity time in midlife relationships?

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Today's episode is a fun conversation I had several months back with Dating Coach Kevin O'Connor and my friend Deanna Bryant who is a Midlife Marriage Strategist and Podcast host for Revive Your Midlife Marriage.

On today's episode we discuss:

  • Dating your spouse in midlife
  • Dating in midlife after divorce
  • Choosing your partner EVERY day
  • The importance of curiosity in your midlife relationship
  • The importance of creativity, spontinaiety, and romance
  • And the important question of what role does your cell phone play in your relationship?

You can find out more about Kevin O'Connor HERE 

Deanna Bryant can be found on IG and you can listen to her podcast HERE 

Hello and welcome to the what women on today? PODCAST. You might be asking yourself right about now. Well, what do women want? I mean we're pretty complex creatures, right. Well, I think we want it all, and I'm here to export with you. My name is Terry Kellum's, I'm your host. Go grab your favorite beverage. I've already got my glass of wine and let's get started. Hello and welcome today's episode. I'm your host, Terry callumn's. I'm so glad to be here with you today and today's podcast. I am revisiting a conversation I had on an IG live several months back with my good friend Diana and Kevin O'Connor. We have a very fun to discussion today about dating after divorce, dating during marriage, quality time versus intentional time with your partner, creativity spot in eating, romance, choosing your partner every day, and where's your curiosity level in your marriage? And is your cell phone the third person in your relationship? So this should be a fun one. Let's go ahead and join that conversation now. We already has some fun today. I am looking forward to this discussion about dating and I feel, like you know, we have three different perspectives. Here we've got Diana, who's gonna talk about dating during marriage. Kevin, you're going to give us some insight on your on I'm dating resip program plus. You dated like what a thousand women? I say, if I dated a thousand women, that would be one of the topics on my discussion, which would be serial daters, how to say from me and I your guess, experimenting, aren't you? You're not a serial dat or I'm not. Actually, it's all called research, research. I'm going to share with you, guys, a funny story. My husband and I met on a dating APP to and I'm going to tell you faith a funny stories day about what it is most ridiculous dates he's ever been on. I get waite be here that one. So, Kevin, you told US last week that you've officially taken like a hiatus from dating for right now. Right. Well, you know, there's this concept which is called a FEM cleanse. The film Cli The FEM cleanses to remove the amount of feminine energy in Your Life and you attraction towards the feminine for a period of time. That means online dating. It means who you might want to follow or engage with on instagram. The social media is sometimes means like who you just hang out with. And the end, the idea is that if you kind of and you kind of remove that from your life for a period of time, it's there's a grounding that takes place and that means, you know, also being in ten paying attention to what you watch. Really it's the exposure to societies, onslaught of what society determines to be the feminine, just so you can take a break from it. Now I would say that I'm not in that phase right now. I was in that face or but seven months, and it's quite powerful for at least it was for me, and and you sort of and man have a hard time by themselves. Know that. This is why you know. This is why somebody who's been married for twenty five years and they the end the marriage and people talk to them and six months later they're dating and they're they're moving in. It was like you were married for twenty five years. What's going on? Well, I think she's wonderful. Were really compatible, but ultimately the subtext is I don't like to peel alone, I don't want to be alone. I need someone to look after me, which can be positive if...

...that's a complimentary goal for the two of them, and sometimes it can actually just be prolonged at the inevitable, which is like, at some point you do have to deal with your shit and if you by yourself, sometimes you figure out like what, what adjustments do I need to make in my life without having somebody else be the distraction so that you don't do the work. I tease my husband nights. I always sound like give you two weeks, like after you buried me, which you always just a joke between us, but it's based on just what you just said, like he enjoys the company of another woman and he likes someone to kind of like nurturn take care of him, and I feel like, I feel like if it were on the other foot, like I would be okay with being alone. I think it's okay. What do you think, Diana? You know, I think I think so, because I think I'm at this point. I'm out, you know, W it's so easy to say that when you're married, though. True, it's so easy to say when you're married, Oh, I'll never get married again, I'm done, I've done it. I'm just going to be single and do my thank it's so easy to say when you're married. So I you know, I don't know what I would do. To be honest, I really don't. I always say this is just you know, I would mean I would. I used to with my daughters were younger, and I wouldn't allow them to really like date week or have a boyfriend. We called it your special friend. I always sometimes I would probably have like a special friend, you know, to do traveling with her, go in the movies or to dinner with but as far as getting married again, like in like you said, Diana's easy to say, but I feel like a lot of women that I talked to feel like it's just easier to be alone. I have o Kevin, it's going. It's going. I can see it now I listen. I want to think. I noticed we've got a lot of people fall I want to welcome you here. If you have questions or things, topics you want us to talk about, pop them in the comment section. Will touch on it. But, Kevin, your wheels were rolling and I saw that. Well, here's the sad reality and and as this is somebody who was married for twenty eight years and has been single for in my it's almost my six year now and, as I said, you teach me earlier, I spent a great deal of time kind of trying to get my Mojo back, get get in the group, get the flow, be able to master connecting with people the opposite sex and having conversation. And there's just one thing that always comes up, the incredible quality and breadth and beauty, and I'm just in awe of the number of single women there are North America. As you know, I'm Canadian and I'm now down in the US, and so if you can't get to a place where you're happy and fulfilled and filled up and able to access both the masculine and feminine yourself as a woman, I fear that you're not going to be able to sort of feel like and live your full potential, because my sense is there are more high quality women that are single that would be available to date then there are men, and I think for two reasons. I think women continue to grow and develop an evolve, that are curious and always wanting to learn, and I think the cycle for men when it comes to relationships different, that they're their prime, their peak, is the time when they're coming according you know, when they're meeting that person and they're sort of throw I get all out there, and then when they find themselves in a relationship, the sort of take the foot off the gas pret a little bit and they're like Hey,...

I'm there and they get used to maybe investing their time and energy on building their career or being a good provider or a good parent, doing things that you know are moving them forward and moving the family for but not necessarily moving them forward as individuals. So when it comes to times that they're single and a time that a woman is single, the feedback I get from a lot of women, and you know, I read a dating program is, a dating course is like she where are the evolved men who spend a little time trying to figure themselves out? And sadly they're not. A lot and there's a lot of reasons and it's not to be blamed on the man, it's their circumstances of something to do that. So I think it's to your point, it's all of our best interest to be self reliant emotionally as well. So I had a friend too, when she went through menopause, her long term relationship sort of all apart and you know, reflecting back, I know she shared with me that a lot of it was within her, you know, like Dana and I, you and I've talked about this little bit. I think to Dana that you know, it's like in hindsight you can see that your husband hasn't really changed, you're the one that's changed a little bit the way you react to the things that they do. The things that they do have not changed, the way you react to them have changed, I believe, and so you know, in hindsight she reflected back that maybe he hadn't changed that much, but maybe her reaction had really changed, and so she found herself seeing go after many years. And you know she went on some online dating sites, Kevin, and she said everybody comes with backage. At our age, everybody comes with baggage. And my husband, I have a really good friend. He is a wonderful person and I got to hope he's not listening because he might be offended by what I'm not to say. But he, my husband, thinks he just doesn't want to put the work in. He's just gotten comfortable and you know, I think and correct me, both of you, please jump in. We don't have to agree with me, but I think that men sort of approach the new relationship as a lot of work, and maybe maybe that's what he's doing. Maybe it's just the work just doesn't feel worth the reward of having a relationship with somebody at this point in life. Well, I think we put so much in to the initial part of the relationship. We're bringing our best selves, we're creative and dating, we're coming up with these great ideas how to spend time together and we're so invested in doing things that bring us closer together. And then, after a period of marriage, it's like you were saying, get comfortable and we're in the routine, we're in the Rut of things and all we're doing is we realize, you know, it's not working or isn't right, but all we're looking at is what we don't want and what we really not looking at what we want. And you know, when you were talking about the lady that that got divorced and all the baggage, that's one of the reasons I say, you know the baggage I have with my husband right now. I'd rather just carry that one and take more baggage doing from somebody else I know what's in those bags. I'll take it. Well, that baggage analogy is a great analogy because they're like we all come with bag each I like that. But sometimes people are dragging bags but they don't even know they have through. Yeah, and and I had this this thing when somebody decides to go and starts dating againtle some of my women clients. I say, a couple of questions to ask. First of all, was what part of...

...the relationship that they were last in that when there was a breakdown the relationship, what part was that man feeling that he had some responsibility for? So let's say, you know, it's married for twenty five years. So, quite honestly, I was never home and in truth be it, I was work a holic. I just didn't put the time in the family and I grew apart. Well, there's a guy who's reflected on. You know what rule that he may have played. secondarily, the next question, and what might you work? Have you done in your life? What changes have you made so that that doesn't reoccur? And your next relationship, and this is to the point that you said, Terry, which is doing the work. Sometimes they don't. So sometimes they can answer the first question. Well, we just grew apart, you know, she just will. So she's harder you to be like. It's like, no, you had something to play in that. And the other one is, well, you know, we broke up, so nothing really. It's like that. Somebody who's not done the work, and so they're likely to actually get to the same place again. So it comes back to both of your points, which is taking responsibility also doing the work. Got A new work. Well, Dan, I love how open you are on your podcasts about, you know, some of the struggles that you go through. You're very brave, I would say, a lot of times, to be very transparent about, you know, your own shortcomings and things that you and your husband had struggled with, and one of them that you shared, I'm a podcast episode, was that date night had become kind of I don't remember the words you used. All use my own, like routine and yes or yes. I said boring. I said just flat boring. I mean it was like we just got in that let's go out to dinner. Where do you want to go eat? Yeah, and it was this same thing over and over and over and you know, at first I was like yeah, let's go out to eat, and I wouldn't say anything, which is the worst thing you can do in the world is not speak your truth, because to expect your husband to know what you want and need when you're not saying it, and then being mad when he doesn't, I mean it's it's ridiculous. So finally, you know, my husband asked me, you know, let's go out to dinner and I said, you know, I want to do something different this time. I love going to dinner with you, but I just want to do something different. And notice, I said I love going to dinner with you. Yeah, because I didn't want him to think that, oh, she doesn't like going to dinner with me, that's the problem, because that wasn't the problem. The problem was I wanted to do something different than we always did, and so we got more creative about coming up with ideas and I didn't expect back him to the other thing was he he usually came up with let's go out to dinner. I never said it. I was not the one that said let's go out on dates. I was letting it slide totally, and so I had to get to the point to say, you know, I'm just expecting him to come up with the date plans. Yeah, so he's doing what feels natural to him. So I had to be more intentional to and step up to the plate and, you know, I needed to plan some things together. And it didn't have to be any big deal. We have this idea it's got to be candle light and romance and yes, you know, there's got to be blowing white curtains in the background, you know, for a date to be, you know, awesome. I've had some simple dates that were awesome with my husband, but we had to think outside the box because we get interrupt and get comfortable in marriages. So what I hear you saying is your date night became eight night. What you done it?...

Yeah, we went out to eat. We went out to eat. Yeah. So I think you raise an important point that creativity and spot made he and all those things that make for romance doesn't have to stop and start at the courtship process when you're married. If anything, it's even more important. I think you said to us lat we were chatting last week. You said like, in reality, the every day should be date night. I mean that seems to be kind of idealistic, but philosophically, like it's like, you know, we're the magic doesn't just get to turn on love making night or day to night. It's like you want the magic every day. I'll tell you something that my ex wife said to me that it's it was poignant, and this is at the end of our marriage. She said, and she said he can't choose me every day. We should probably shouldn't be together. And that thinking and it's and that's the idea that I've corporated into my life, which is like you choose your partner in the morning and you choose your our partner night, and there's nothing that's going to come between you during the day. So we're rather you wake up in the morning cranky and a little annoyed for them, with them from about something. It's least you know. I love you, your special you're my partner. I'm blessed to have you in my life. You go through your day like that, I doesn't matter what kind of day you're going to have. You set the stage for, you know, fidelity, for you know, being focused on that relationship and Algany and and then when you go to bed, it's like, and you know, I encourage people to go to bed, or at least to attempt to go to bed around the same time you go to bed. It's like or an amazing I'm so blessed to have you lying beside me, so blessed to have you here in this House with me. You do that. That's sort of like those are momentary moment that those are high touch points where you're right reinforcing that this is your part her do that. Lots of good stuff comes in between the two moments. Yeah, and I'm thinking if you do those things every day, you know, to think that the date nights going to fix the relationship, that if we go on dates and have a lot of fun, that's going to fix that. If you're not doing it on a daily basis, those date nights are pretty empty. Good Point. So I know in me and my husband still had kids at home. We made it a point to like physically go somewhere, make a it was a, you know, an event like date night. And now that we've you know, so funny, we have a saying in sales. It works so well I stopped doing it and that that was referencing like you know, you had a process fulfilling your sales pipeline and then you've got, you know, so many prospects that you didn't have to do and have to fill that funnel there for a little while. Right. So, when it came to dating and having the date nightning, we sort of shifted when the kids move, you know, we'd have kids at home and we moved to a different area and then it became what, we're together all the time, do we? Do we really need date night because we make it a point to have coffee together every morning. That's how we start our day and we end our day every day together. So what do you to say about that? Like we haven't had date night like officially for quite a while. Well, you know, I I don't think it has to be a big deal. I was tell I was on a podcast today and I was telling her that. And and Kevin, I want you to weigh on on this or when I talk about meaningful time together, because you had a good point the other day we were chatting. You know, we have this thing every Saturday morning that we sit at the table and we drink toffee, coffee and we just shoot the shit. I mean we're just talking, you know, nothing big. Sometimes it is big. Sometimes it's let's talk about this issue. But we just have that time together and it's so meaningful to me to have that time together.

I remember our kids used to go to parents night out when they were little and one time I as for parents to go on dates. My husband and I decided we wanted to go home and work in the yard together. It was a great date. It was perfect. We had fun, we laughed, we got some things done. We've gone to the grocery store shopping before and had fun. So, you know, it this idea that it has to be some big, extravagant I you know, date. You know, sometimes maybe the word date isn't the right word. I don't know. I call it meaningful time together. But, Kevin, I want you to share your idea about it. What a man thinks when you say I want to share meaningful time together. Yeah, well, we talked about that. It's like, so there for the time that we've been together, that's not the meaningful time together. Isn't absoluteful? Now, in some case, yes, you know, in some case it isn't. It's like we had this conversation as well recently about for playing. It's like when this four play start you ask you guys, is like maybe fifteen, twenty minutes before you know how warmer up is a little something happening. You could feel the bye and you asked and you really dig into it. If, for play begins like thirty seconds after the last time you made love and there's this after care where you're holding your partner and you've being close to them, that's the beginning of the neck. So for plays away of being and meaningful time together as a way being. Now do we get distracted? Are the things that interfere with our ability to connect? Absolutely, but the idea that you are turning on and off the quality of your relationship. You're turning on the seductive process and turning off. You're turning on date night, you're turning it off, you're turning on meaningful I think it works if we think about it's time to be mindful of Focus. It doesn't work if we tie turn that like okay, we've done that phase, the date nights over, we're back into regular life. So yeah, yeah, as with anything, it's got the flip the B sides. You know, you to be aware of the B side. The a size, like it's great. So I'm all for mindfulness, of being focused in the tent time and things like that, as long as that isn't so so much of the focus that you think that you can take it. It's time to let off. I could, I can, I can. Let us slide now, you know. We yeah, think about the think about the number of men who she's the I says, I like, I don't spend the quality time. And you can think back with three weeks ago we went away for the weekend of the camp. It's like, yeah, three weeks ago, or or we're going on vacation. Ah, I, I know what vacation looks like with you and I. It's going to be send the kiss the pool. Let's go to the pool. Then you're going to go back and get on your laptop of unity, like. But in that guy's mind is like that's my time to be pro I'm going on vacation, so you're going to get me. It's like, can I like, there's no guarantee for tomorrow. Can I get you like now? Yeah, now. So then maybe maybe it needs to be, you know, for US mythlikers and empty nesters, maybe it needs to be quite intentional, like you know, because we do spend so much time together. It's a long time. Is Not the issue anymore. It's more you're paying attention, I'm your focus for this period of time. Put your cell phone away. Let's eat without watching TV, you know, let's make sure we're present in this moment, because, I mean, I recently did a podcast about multitasking and, you know, throughout the process of me, you know, developing that episode, I realized that there were so many opportunities I was missing by not being in the moment. And that can be applied to our quality time together as well. You know, maybe maybe I've put this great meal, but if we're sitting there enjoying it, maybe not even enjoying it while the TV's on. You know, maybe just needs to be more of more of an intentional quality. I'm not so much like we're going to go, you...

...know, to Europe, or we're got you, we're gonna go on this big grand like adventure or whatever. So, yeah, I like this. I like this discussion here about it. So no more daytime, because it becomes eight time and more of a mate time. So you spend time with there, be conscious of our ore with the other person doing I rem I remember watching this credium and to she was talking about how you want us to Douce your partner. He said when you come in to the house and the partners is typically focused on the man, the audience, you said, and you ask your partner how is your day and they tell you say this one thing. Really, I want to hear more about that. Oh yeah, and then it was like excuse me, yeah, like let's let's talk more about your day. So instead of it being this thing to sort of like a hey, doing I take the kids. Would do this or did that? Great, okay, what's going on? It's like really, when when we do the Doctor House, how was that experience? Oh, Dr Sol and says he like all of them. So it's that interest, so that you're actually dialed into the other person. You're your attentive, you're curious. I think the killer of relationship is that drop off and curiosity quite alsoly in life, the less curious, I'm convinced, to live the shortest period of time it. Yeah, I agree with that. If you bring that into your relationship, isn't really dat night and opportunity to express curiosity. How you do it? When you feeling what's going on when you think we should plan. You're dialed into that person. You're a slee you know, you're having your own little exchange and pulling that person into your life, back into your life. So what do you say? And I think that's the go ahead, Terry. No, you go ahead, because I'm changing the subject with my question. Or say, Oh, I was going to say, I was going to say. And that is the problem, I think, in long term marriages is we stopped being curious. Yeah, we think we know each other so well. We stopped asking because I think I know what you're going to answer. Yeah, I think I already know you right, and it assumes the fact that we're never changing and that our beliefs don't change or our fears or our dreams don't change, and so we just stopped asking questions, and I think that's a marriage killer. Yeah, I call that making up stories, you know, like you're making stories about anybody else's input, and they're never accurate. You know. Well, I'm coaching, I sometimes saying to somebody as aid ask them, that they all. He would never do that, you know we he just would not be open to that. He would never do that. I know him so well. Okay, I can. I kind of like you, sort of shut down any possibility and any opportunity to be surprised. So I invite them, you know, like try to and then and then we'll be then they it's everybody's got. Well, he would say this. Now, I ask, well then, what he would say? Then? What would you say then? What we do say? And it's like we got to let go this hypothesis that we know our partners so, so well that we can actually live their life for that we know what's best for them, we can answer questions for them. Is like, well, what value do they add? You got them right there in your pocket there. We don't have ever. So I was going to ask you, Kevin, what has been the biggest challenge about dating a mid life because you were married for how long before you got back into the day? I was with Leslie for thirty years. Wow, from my dating had changed like tremendously by the time you got back into the game. Absolutely with the biggest difference? Well, I actually met my wife before AIDS was fullblown aid. So we actually like we like we isolated, we were like our bodies were not even circulation with the rest of the world. Why all the pandemic of sexually transmitted diseases, in HIV and all those things. I mean,...

...it was just it was, you know, that's that's how our life was back then. It was just a very different life. The biggest the biggest challenge for me was to know what I wanted from dating and and and now doing my dating program for women. What I realize is there I went through a whole bunch of phases. So I dated in the beginning to feel good about myself, because I was feeling badly about myself when I left my marriage. So it was like I day so that I'll call that the the therapeutic don't me and hit you know. It's like I'm going to go to the date and we reminded that I'm an amazing person. It's like, oh, that's great, that what a lovely date. Then you go home and somebody says to you, Hey, like you're going to go it again, and you go like probably, don't think. I don't think we'll go it again. It's like did you have a good day? Had A great date? Well, you realize what you wanted to get out of that date was just to feel good about yourself. Except you forgot to tell the other person and I just want to let you know. This is just part of my recovery program and replace holder. I like that. We joke and we laugh, we have fun. That's great and yeah, I'm probably not ready to date yet, but that thanks very punch for joining me with me. And it's like, oh, so that's not necessarily the fairest way. Yeah, then they're dating for entertainment. It's like, I need something to do. You know, it's like people get on dating sites and have these long conversations and telephone calls and I've been one of those and it's a quiet night and you're not interest to be watching Netflix and you live alone and it's like Ding, Ding, is a couple matchups, like all of a sudden you having is engaging conversation again powerful. It's almost like you're on a plane ride and somebody from New York to La and the seats empty. Someone sits there and you talked for three hours. That was fun, but it wasn't really a date. It was just like you were connecting. It was meaningful. And then there are dates where you're going out and there's a massive physical attraction. You have to sort of figure out what's that all about, because the chemistry is amazing but we're not actually connecting. So back to your question, it's just like really knowing what you want from the dating process and being really honest about that and making because you both would know this because of your life. It's like everything's about timing and everything's about time. And if you're in a different place of somebody's getting on and they want to do around the world cruise and you're going for a weekend to Dominican Republic, you know your expectations about that date are very different than then thinking, you know, I want somebody who I'm going to travel the world with. So, metaphorically speaking, got to know exactly what it is you want and be really honest about that. So how does your how does your online dating program work? So it's a four week program. Zooms usually five to ten women of a certain age. I'd say your age. Youngest you a little bit less. Nine hundred and twenty nine right. Yeah, like fifty years hot. You know that kind of years. And women who really want know that they're going to have to use online dating apps and or have used them and have hadn't had a very positive experience and want some guidance, some supports, some encouragement around how to approach that world and be able to be more able to manifest what they want using that platform. Why do you really say the dating sites are not dating sites? Their databases. They're just a bunch of people and they put a couple of key things in and it's like walking into the giant amusement park. If you don't know what ride you want to go on, you're going to end up standing aligne for something and it's a bad ride and you're going to go home and some since house your day was like awful. Somebody else. They sort of knew where they're all about. They know what they like, they know what kind of rides and make them show hot and you know what food to eat, and then they go into the things like I'm going to...

...have an incredible time if this. So it's really about empowering people and we do a lot of work in terms of understanding people's love languages, the nonnegotiables and you know, their attachment styles, things that they would know right away. The better you know yourself, the easier it is for you to actually manifest and track that partner. Yeah, that's the focus and it's a it's a zoom, call and fire, you know format. It's an hour and a half. It's first. The next one is on the twenty two of June and should be fun. And then we will be creating a closed facebook group for the women to so we can post and do some stuff and people and talk about their experiences online, which is fun, and they can find that where. Where can they find more information about it? I can post, they can. Basically it's on my instagram, which is coach. Can'Bo see and they just click on my website to thank you for that. That was what is that? What, like, you know, was wunching the series about light, light TV, and you know, and I don't know if you know who Charles Broaden is. Do you know who Charles Grodon is? No Charles rat the ever watched. There's a movie called the heartbreak kid. Ben Stiller did a remake of it, but the heartbreak kid, the original one, was done in the S. it's about this guy in this honeymoon coming down from New York to Miami and his wife, his fiance, gets madly sunbird and she has to go with the hotel. So he's sitting around for the first day of his honeymoon and Sybil shepherd comes out of the water and he's like, Oh my God, she's just this beautiful woman and he's on his honeymoon and he's like instantly torn, like did I, because she's falling. He instantly becomes a tractor. Charles Gron's a great comedian and he's the leading that he's on Joona Carson. One night he says Johnny Spis, he just says flat up. I know I'm on here to plug my movie and book, So we don't talk about anything else. So when you just said that he tell me about that. That was the proverbial plug. Really was the end of our little thing. Also a little bit more about wasn't play and wasn't very was a privile it's very, very pretty sative. Well, let's tell everybody where they can find us next week. I don't remember if you too had deciding which one of you was going to holst next week. I'll be glad to host nest next week, so it will be at revive your midlife marriage on instagram. Awesome and same time, same batcha same time before pm, except you're going to be at the top of the screen. Yeah, and did anybody have any questions in the audience that they wanted to ask any I can see any questions. I'd see any there. I do have the final word of the day for you to Oh, this is a final if I can't wait, and it's I know I'm cheating because I know we agreed on one word, but my word is cell phone because I think it's very relevant for the intrusiveness of what it has brought to our lives. So I don't care who goes first. But what does the word cell phone mean in relation to what we're talking about today? I think it is a key to disconnection and it's so easy to do and I don't think it's necessarily I mean it's not necessarily just one in the in the marriage or the relationship that does it. A lot of times just both of us doing it. You know, we all get so caught up in in our in our phones and then our emails and social media and pretty soon we're so engaged in that we're not paying attention. And I remember one night the kids came, the kids were over and their dad and I were sitting. They're on...

...the couch looking at our phones and they said something about it and I thought, well, we were both content looking on our phones, but it made me realize, you know, we do this a lot. The other side of that for me is cell phones can be fun when you make flirty text you check in with each other, when you send a text hey, I know today was going to be stressful, but I'm thinking if you can't wait to hear about it tonight. So cell phones can be a great way to keep connected during the day, to say you care to, but there has to be a time where you put down the phones at night or it's just not going to there's going to be a disconnect, even if you're both having fun doing it at the same time. Right. That's my take. I'M gonna pilot. So I'm going to say cell phones or connection killers or connection thrillers. So you can take that phone and it can stand in the way of you and connection into the sea and discourse and sharing things, or you can use the technology to promote connection and promote and, as you said, Dm to do all the things that allow you bring yourself together. So the so that's what's I thought. Could you know, and the question would be, is your cell phone and your relationship, or connection ller or a connection thriller, you know, if you want to send a little naughty shot of the law, you know, just at the pool or you at the beach, to your partner and because and they're come at home. As a connection thriller, if you want to be buried in your phone or playing a game while your partner is trying to ask you about your day, should get so those are my thoughts. You know, something we do in my relationship is if one of us are on our phone and the other one comes into the room, you know, because we're not always just goofing around. Sometimes we are responding to emails or we're in the middle of texting a friend. We just say, if they come into their in start, can you give me just one minute? I want to hear what you have to say instead of continuing to do your texting and halfway listening. Yeah, great suggestion. I like that too. Like that too, and and I my perspective on it is I think that it is caused some opportunity for people to engage in behavior that is not always in the best interest of the relationship. So I I think you know, my encouragement would be to make sure your partner has access to your password if there's been some issues of trust broken and, you know, to make sure that, like Dan that you both have, you know, mentioned like it's not your primary source of energy and it should not be more important than the person that you're with. So, whether you're with your partner or out with friends at dinner, I think it should be put away. I don't think it should be at the table unless there's some reason that there might be an emergency and that should be spoken ahead of time to the entire table. I'm sorry, my daughter's not feeling well. I'm waiting to hear about this. I'm going to leave my phone on the table. After I hear from her, I'm going to put it away, you know, just being up front and saying expectations of the person that you're with. Otherwise the phone should be put away. I think they're two distracting. I think I think they've taken much higher priority in our lives and then what they should have. I mean they're wonderful. I have mine with me, you know, almost all the time, but I do see them as kind of intrusive and that is just my opinion. Well, you know that the acid test is for me, when you go into a restaurant and there's a family for they're all their phones. Somehow we let that pass. So I sometimes say...

...now, imagine they're all reading a magazine or a paperback. You would find that really odd. You know, if I walked in and there was four people on the table and they're all like facing a book, you go like like, what do they have to dinner for? But yet you have their face in their iphone and you don't think anything twice, you know, like so it's kind of a strange thing that we've kind of been acclimatized and adapted to. Yeah, that's okay, but if I was if I was reading the newspaper, because the newspapers you puprovable, imagine for people at a table reading the newspaper for dinner and dinner you go like Hey, put the paper down. Yeah, but it's okay if it's your phone. So why is that? Just give me a pass then. Okay. I know too many women who have found things on their phones that they did not appreciate that their husbands were taking part of. So that's probably helped me form my opinion. Where's my question. Here's my question, though, and I hope I'm not prolonging. You'd cut me off, Terry, if we're going over, how much access do you give a spouse to your phone? I mean if it's if you're directing you towards me. I have nothing to hide. He can look at my phone anytime he wants to. You know, I don't might. He knows my pass where I know his password? There's I mean, I grew up in a household where, like, you weren't allowed in your parents bedroom, you never went in your mom's purse. Like. I think there are boundaries. I think we all deserve some level of privacy. I have journals. I prefer that he wouldn't read them because those are my own private thoughts. But on my phone, yeah, he can have access to whatever he wants to. So that's a good, great question. It's sort of like the one that should a woman pay when you go on a date, and the answer is the man should always pay and the woman gets to offer if she wants, but you should turn it down. So like there's part for two people. You get to have my phone and he gets to be open, but I want but if you're running around looking at my phone all the time. We've had a bigger issue. Yeah, it great. So it's like it's like if I'm uncomfortable with something on my phone and somebody seeing something or reading it, that's between me and like looking at myself and my integrity years or something that I might write my playing the same token at my partner. If I wander into my partner's looking at my phone, that's as another another thing. That's so might be a trust issue there. Yeah, so just even this question itself creates opportunity for people to get to know each other on a deeper level. So I wouldn't say there's a writer or wrong. I would say there's what works, yeah, and what whatever seem. And what works is when there's honest discussions, and there will be some people. It's the same as like do we manage our money separately, or do we end contribute to a joint account and have our own savings, or some people throw everything in the same thing and it's right. Now what? Let's talk about that at some future day, because that is a very deep topic that we cannot finished during this conversation. That is a very deep topic and I think that would be very interesting to dive into. I'm actually so impressed with all three of us that it didn't go like much farther self if he usually does. But this is only the first time. This is only the first live it may go down here for me here. That's very true. I enjoy our time together so much. You too. I appreciate you. It inside time for us to share our perspectives, with all of these wonderful topics with with everybody out there. So thank you, guys, for joining me today. Right, talk to you guys too. All right, thank you so much for joining me. I hope you enjoyed today's conversation as much as I did. If you'd like to continue the conversation, come on over and join our private facebook group what women want today. I'd love to...

...hang out with you some more there. Any resources mentioned in today's episode will be in the show notes. You can find me on facebook and Instagram at what women want to day podcast, or visit my website at what women want to Daycom please remember just subscribe, download and share. Leave me a review. It helps other amazing women find the show and become a member of our community. One last thing for you today. You are not alone. You are worthy of love and a fulfilled life. Now it's time to go after it.

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