What Women Want Today
What Women Want Today

Episode 69 · 5 months ago

Pt 2 with Marriage & Family Therapist Corrin Voeller


Today on the Podcast I am thrilled that Corrin Voeller, Marriage and Family Therapist agreed to come back for part 2 of our conversation to answer some of your questions.

Thank you to my listeners for sending in your questions. Which included topics such as difficult conversations with your partner, libido in midlife, money issues, blending families and knowing when to pick your battles.

Corrin is developing a program for men to help with emotional intelligence so make sure to follow her on IG and TikTok  

Visit her website for some free resources, including her free guide on how to resolve an arguement for good! HERE  

Remember to share this episode with a friend.

Hello and welcome to the what women on today? PODCAST. You might be asking yourself right about now. Well, what do women want? I mean we're pretty complex creatures, right. Well, I think we want it all, and I'm here to explot with you. My name is Terry Kellums, I'm your host. Go grab your favorite beverage, I've already got my glass of wine, and let's get started. Hello and welcome to this week's episode of what we want to say podcast. This is your host, Terry Kellum's. I'm so excited to be with you guys today. Stay. I have cringe bowler back on the show with me and, like I said before, she's agreed to answer some of your questions. So thank you to all of you who sent those in. We will get to that in a minute. First of all, Krein, welcome back. I'm so glad to see your face today. I'm happy to have you here with me. Thank you. I'm happy to be back. So I meant to ask you last time and we kind of run out of time. What kind of kind of led you to want to be a marriage and family therapist? Yeah, I actually knew I wanted to do this when I was sixteen. Wow, I. I know I was. I I had my I've got a lot of psychology book. Somehow it was actually like a feminist psychology I I wish I still had it to you because I can picture the cover and everything. But the first time I read that book I was like hooked. I was like this, this is what I'm supposed to do. And then I was a huge nerd. Like there was this mediation, peer mediation thing that like you got asked to do by the school counselor, and so I was in that and then I eventually became like the president of it, and so it's just something that I've always known. It just has felt like this is what I'm supposed to do. We are like no, I think that's awesome. But so when you're a marriage and family therapist and you're actually married, do you do you try to apply all these things to your own marriage, or do you just all Flya out the window when it comes Youdera a relation to yeah, no, of course. I actually get asked that a lot of of course you do. You try. You know how the right way to respond, you know the right thing to do, and sometimes you choose to do it and sometimes you choose not to, like no, I'm going to be, you know, fill up my self for just cup right now or what not. So it's fun, it's it's amazing to know like kind of the behind the scenes and how this kind of stuff really has big impacts. And I would say too, that the other thing is is that I'm only half of the system right between the two people, and so there's only so much you can do. Sometimes too. Of like Mike, I can see when it's going off the rails and how to guide it back. But there's this thing that Air Piston will talk about a lot, is like they're the people who are in their system, are in their orbit, are pretty sensitive to if you start using you know, you know that saying that people say the Psycho Babble Bowl. We've both seen that thrown around in a movie or show. Yeah, and so you have to be careful to to not, you know, take on too much of that like therapist guiding thing and really remember to just be in a relationship with somebody else. That's true. I could see that because I have a group of girlfriends that I regularly get on the Marco Polo APP with and we're having everyday conversations and I listen to those conversations about everyday life, like, you know, problems with our children, arguments we have with their husband's just, you know, like just random things. And I do keep my coach hat on the side because I can't sit and analyze everything that everybody says and does all the time. You know, it's just exhausting.

So yeah, I know what you're saying. You kind of to set some of that aside and be like, I'm just going to be Terry. That the person you know and that's are you the coach. So yeah, I get that. Hey, last time we talked you mentioned that you were working on a program, excuse me, for men. Can you give us any updates on how you're doing with your program? Yeah, it's coming along. Thanks for asking. I'm super excited about it. I think now it's just very clear on exactly what I'm doing, and so it's really geared towards men who their wives have said, hey, the this isn't working for me, you've got some things that you need to be working on. A lot of it has to do with emotional intelligence and he's like, I don't know what you're even talking about, and and that it's in the right they are. You're like yes, and that's the problem, right. And so I am working on creating this program and my goal. I'm working with somebody else on it who is an instructional designer, that is, somebody who helps people make sure that the things that they're teaching are actually transformational. And so, because I'm really I really don't want to put something out there that doesn't give people the big transformation that they're looking for. So I'm trying to be very intentional about it and also only give the information you need and not how it be like one of those like super long programs where you have so many videos to get through, and so it just to keep it simple. Yeah, so I'm working on it. It's coming along. No dates yet, but I'm excited about him. And what about the name? Have you kitty the ends on a name? Not yet. I still love the name. Why the heck is my wife so mad at me? But I love it. said, I don't know, I think you should roll it that one. All right. So, if you're ready, I've got some good questions here for you today and I'm excited about this. Some of them kind of caught enough guard. A little bit, but I think for the most part they're probably not going to get you off guard. All right, so the first lady says, I love that you talked about renegotiation at Empty Nest or retirement. So she's referring to our conversation in the last podcast episode. How would you go about approaching that conversation? How would you go about approaching the conversation about renegotiating, because now we're going through this trance, this transition period of empty nesting and retirement, right. Um, okay, so sorry, I just needed to make sure I understood. I think that sitting down and preparing yourself a little bit on what it is your what is your goal for the conversation, so that that way you're clear, because I think sometimes we think we're very clear about what we're looking for in a conversation and you know, I've been in the chair before where I'm listening to people and I'm like, Oh, I can see what they're trying to do, but their partners not getting that message right now. And so making sure you are clear and saying that of like, you know, take it like a business meeting almost, of like what's our agenda? You know, why are we meeting today? What am I what's gonna be a successful meeting? Right? What is the goal? And then that way, if you you know, you don't have to be so business see about it. When you when you're talking, you get to be yourself. But like, if you kind of frame it up in that way, then that way your partner goes what you guys, are even about to talk about, and then as far as the conversation goes again it would think it would just be what we had talked about last time, which is renegotiating what life is going to look like, asking questions and also sharing what you want out of that of like, you know, hey, we're going through this transition. Like, what are your expectations? Asking your partner that and sharing your own expectations and what you know, what are our...

...goals? What are your goals individually, and what are my goals individually? What sort of goals do we want to set as a couple? Yeah, it a picture. This is a no, that's great, and my picture this is not just like a oneandone conversation, because my husband and I, you know, we're already talking about some of the things that we want to do in retirement and we're not on the same page and I want I want to understand where he's coming from with some of the things he wants to do. He went to travel out, which I love traveling, but I'm also a homebody. So I know when I when he talks about being gone for, you know, months at a time or whatever, there's a little pardon me, that goes. You know, I don't want to thank God for what's at the time. I want to be whole. But so I imagine you have to just really, you know, open up your mind and be open to what the other person saying and know that you might have to keep coming back to the table until you guys can both. Couldn't it's, you know, that middle ground. You I love the answer. Thank you for that, and just could go into it that for just one second to of like, I think that's where it's important to you hear their answer and you say like Oh, it does. How do I feel about that individually for myself? How do I feel about that for them and how do I feel about that? It's a couple because there's so many solutions in what you had just said, Terry, of like maybe you decide to stay home sometimes while he goes. How does that feel? You know, maybe there's times when you guys go together or I've had one couple that I can think of off the top of my head too. It's oddly enough, he actually wanted to do that exact same thing, and so she would, he would go, he would start the journey and then she would join him for part of it and then she would head back home and he would continue on. You know, you there's so much creativity that can go on and making sure you guys get to do that kind of stuff. Absolutely I love that. All Right, here we got a question number two. This is a this is a tricky one. So how do you navigate one of the partners losing their Libido in Midlife? Oh No, the rain. Reason I say that is because it's so deep. It's probably not one thing that's going on, and so somebody using their libido, I would say the how do you navigate that is I think you're going to have to try not to personalize it and and be curious, if you can, have like a sealthy detachment from it and be like, what is this thing that's going on for you? It could possibly have some things to do with me and what I'm bringing not bringing to the table anymore, but it could also have a lot to do with anything else that's going on in your life, which could be anything from work stress to self esteem issues finally bubbling up to the surface, to sexual shame that has never been addressed and starts starting to get in there, to health issues. So again, I think trying to have a healthy detachment and being very curious about what's going on and what are the options for figuring this out moving forward. You know, there's lots of different options that I think a lot of people don't realize. But again, I'm going to always go like start with therapy. Start there and then see what you can figure out and also find somebody who is trained in that work. I know that therapy is difficult because it's not always the most easy to access, but be diligent on searching and...

...keep reaching out to people until you can find somebody you had, if you decide to do that, specializes in that work so that they're not just like kind of trying their best, which we appreciate someone who's trying their best, but you know, you deserve someone who really knows this issue. Yeah, yeah, I could see that and when you were talking I was thinking about something. My husband I run vacation last week and we you know, of course you got a lot of a lone time and you fill it up with conversation and he asked me a question about my health and it led to a deeper conversation. I have had to switch my hormone doctor since we moved and I don't think I'm quite where I should be. I think we still have some adjusting to do. And he goes, Oh, I just assumed that you were doing that, you were doing fine, because you seem like you're fine and and I'm like, guess been inside, I'm raging like, I am so irritable like all the time. And I said I just do a really good job of hiding it and covering it up and don't lash out at you. And he goes, just be yourself, because I don't. I don't love you based on where your hormones are at, you know. And so I think as as married couple sometimes we can assume maybe what's going on with the other partner and we hide things, obviously what we're going through. So yeah, I love I love your advice on that. It's counseling and therapy, life savers for people right to just have somebody to be able to talk those issues with. Great Advice. Okay, what advice do you have for blended families that are getting ready to cohabitate? Oh my gosh, I wish I had known the answer to this question like a lot of years ago. What advice for blending families about to cohabit it communication is going to be your friend. I think, having conversations with everybody separately and together, so like, depending on WHO's all involved. Like I'm kind of picturing, you know, two parents who are about to cohabitate and then some children between the two of them and, you know, having conversations with everybody together and talking about like, you know, hey, this is what it's going to be happening, here's how what you can expect, here's what's going to be the same, here's what's going to be different, but then also breaking that into smaller groups, you know, like one parent with their own biological children, talking to them about like what's coming up for you? What are you nervous about? What are you possibly excited about? What do we want to be paying attention to? Just kind of like making sure it's like open ended, because you will, I think you'll be surprised at some of the things that kids are thinking about. Of like, Oh, I'm really worried about, you know, somebody seeing me in my towel or something like that, getting out of the shower. You know, it's like, oh, of course, worse, like maybe we need to establish some boundaries around that, or maybe there's different ways we can handle it. So if you're if you don't know what their concerns are or what they're thinking about, you're going to have a lot hard of a harder time. Instead, you're going to be, I always say, like get out ahead of the issue, find out the information and then that way you're prepared. Otherwise, you're reacting in the moment. You know, it would be like somebody screaming they they see me, whatever. We you know what whatever it is, and you're now you're trying to catch up. What's going on? Why does that matter? There's too many things to navigate. So I think conversation would be my biggest conversation. Communication would be my biggest tip on on that and just making sure you understand what's going on for everybody. You know what's who your person that you're about to cohabitate with. You know, what are they concerned about? What are they thinking about? What what's important to them? You know, you might learn some things that you didn't know. To a families coming up in my...

...mind to they had like a tradition that the other partner was like vaguely aware of, this like Sunday tradition, but they didn't realize like how important it was and like how was there, how were how were they and their family going to fit into that? Like was it something that should be left alone and to that family to to continue on their tradition? Is it you know, or would it be better for everyone else to participate? Like it's just one of those things that you without talking about it, kind of like what you had to side with between the marriage. He just assumed right it without knowing the information. Now, information is power and you have things you can do about it. For sure. You know, blending families. It's probably the toughest thing I think I've ever done with literally, and surprisingly, I believe it, the littlest things can become the biggest things one year. So I am like a decorating I'm a decorating like freak. You know, I love pretty things and I love to decorate a Christmas like a huge deal for me. And we didn't talk about the fact that the kids would had all of their little mismatched ornaments that, you know, this child made this and this child made this, and and so I thought, without talking to everybody, take responsibility for this part, I thought, without talking everybody, that the solution was to put up two trees, one in the family room, when in the living room. That, yes, that's right where my mind went. Yeah, and so I, you know, put up the big tree in the formal living room, decorated it, you know, top to bottom, beautiful Christmas, you know, or magazine Worthy or whatever in my mind. And you know I mean we made a big deal about letting the kids decorate their own tree and there was music and popcorn whatever, you know. But it did not go well with, you know, my stepson, and he was really upset about the whole thing and it just caught me off guard. I was like, I didn't first of all, didn't think boys cared about it because I didn't have any boys, so I didn't have any reference point. But Yeah, you've got to talk and you got to keep talking right. And it's not just it's going to be an ongoing, evolving thing because, and probably a lot of it depends on the age of the children. What might not be a big deal when they're younger, all of a sudden, you know, when they're sixteen and selfconscious modest, you know, coming out of shower and a towel might suddenly become a deal that you hadn't prepared for. Correct and you, you know, maybe he wouldn't have cared in other situations but for some reason he really did care in this situation. Yeah, and that's okay, Angie, I see it's to me it sounds like, yeah, there's going to be things you don't know until you find out, right, like you, the other thing that I was thinking about is that your children know you so well and sometimes we take all of that information for granted, right, like they know what you're like in the morning and what you prefer when it comes to this or to that, and so we just kind of I can imagine, when you are beginning to cohabitate or blend family, there's a lot of information that we take for granted that other people know that we don't know that you know, this is all new for everybody else and there's they're doing the catch up, you know, and so just to have a lot of grace for yourself, to yourself and for everyone like there's going to be feelings, and prioritize repair, R love it. Okay. Number four, can a marriage truly recover from infidelity if you there it from infidelity? Yeah, yes, yeah, it can be a simple, easy but it's not a simple and easy process. It's a hard and difficult process usually, but it definitely can. I think that when you... it right, you will be I have to choose my words carefully because there's something it's very nuanced. What I'm trying to say it is you're not happy that it happened, but you are happy with where you guys are at now because you will have grown from it. Okay, right. So it's not like we needed that to happen for the growth or we wanted it to happen or they did us any favors, but when people have properly repaired, they usually look at their relationship completely differently, in a good way. Right. It's becomes a lot stronger. So the possibility is there, but it's not again, a simpler, easy road is really hard. Yeah, and so I just deal for anyone who's going through that. It's it's it changes. I think the biggest thing is it changes identity for the person who's been chated. One imagine your saying like it it seems just who you thought you were or who you thought you were in the marriage. Or would you yeah, both, both. It usually changes somebody's identity completely. Like you know, they'll go back and they'll start looking at depending on how long infidelity happened or what exactly happened, but they'll go back and they'll they're going to look at their now history or their past and they're seeing it through a completely different Lens. Now, right, like I thought we were happy or I thought that vacation. You know, I found this thing happened on it and now that I know what you were actually doing or what you were actually thinking about, a lot of times people were like, I look at myself completely differently. You know, it can be humiliating, it can be embarrassing, people can feel stupid. There's a lot that ends up happening and you know sometimes, I think, especially now, I think that for women it's always been the stories that women will say. Now it's like I always told myself I would never accept that. If that, that's a boundary and if it gets crossed, I would never try to say the really ship. You look stupid if you do or you look weak if you do. And then to get there and find yourself saying like no, I still really want this, I still really want to make this work. That's a huge identity shift that people have to go through too, of like is that okay? Am I still a strong person that that I still want my marriage? Like that's what I mean. There's so many it's very layered and there's so many things to it, but it's definitely possible, especially if you do it. I want to use the word right, but you know what I mean, like if you do and dress the real issues that are happening and you get the meaning behind it, to like what happened, the narrative. MMM. And I imagine, like I think about some of the public ones, you know, that have just been awful and then you know, you feel, I imagine they must feel like to people this respect for me. You know, if I stay that kind of thing, I imagine it's very complicated to recover from and to go through on both on both sides. I interviewed somebody once and I believe he said I was struggling to remember what he said, like and I know it's very like, you know, putting people in a box, but men cheat for very different reasons than women cheat. Do you see? You see that? HMM, yeah, there's some different like things. Yeah, that they'll say that, you know sometimes. I mean, I hate putting...

...people in a box, yes, but like some that's what we see. Sometimes it'll be, you know, a lot of self esteem issues on men's parts, you know, and like where you would think it would be the opposite. They feel so great about themselves that they just want to go out and you know, whoever will have them or something like that. But in reality, I think when you really talk with them and you find out like that there was self esteem issues that were happening within themselves, and sometimes it is grandiosity issues. But you know, but for for women, it usually ends up looking like their deeds from being met again, I'm having a hard time because I just like I keep now I picture some clients and having a hard time being like generalizing. But yeah, it is difficult. I can't imagine going through it in the public eye. Oh my gosh, that would be okay. Korean question number five. Do you think it's wise for couples to have separate bank accounts? I do. I think it's wise. M I don't want to say I'm not going to answer that part of it. I'm going to say that I think what people decide to make work for them can be very healthy and whatever way that they decide, we see a lot of people, especially the younger generations, choosing not to combine their finances for so many different reasons, and they make it work. I would say a lot of people find that it helps them feel like they have maintained some independence and freedom and that allows them to show up differently in the relationship. They don't feel like they if they choose not to, if they choose to leave, that there's been stuck. You know, there's in that can be a good thing, that can be really good thing to have. I could see how it would be a pro Andacon I could see like the independence thing. This makes total sense to me, but I could also see it starting to get a little knit picky here and there. Well, I paid for this and I bought this last time, but this is mine because I bought it. You know, I could see a both ways, definitely, but I agree with you. I do see the younger generation tending to keep their finances a little more separate than the marriages of couples. You know my age that I'm in relationship with well, and I think for a lot of them to their dealing with different debt issues than previous generations have ever had to deal with. Like sure younger people are usually coming in, you know, if they've gotten a college, you know, and so and so, for them to keep it separate as a new way of handling new issues that other generations might not have had as prevalently as as these ones. That's true. All right, our time is come into a close. I wouldn't get these last couple of questions in numbers. Okay, my mother in law makes a habit of walking into our home unannounced. I feel it's an invasion of privacy, but my husband want to address it with her. How do I talk to her about this without ruining our relationship and angering my husband? Oh my gosh, that's so oh my gosh. Well, I'm going to assume that your motherin law is a reasonable human who really cares and as kind and she would want to know that you're offended. That's what we're going to work with on this. Okay, if it's if it's anything other than that, I think just tread lightly. I think that if he's asked you not to address it, then you need to address that issue first. Yeah, if it's still that, it doesn't need to just be like, okay, he said no and now I can't. You know, if it bugs you continue to bring it...

...up. Hey. This is why I like we need to keep having this conversation. But you know, I think if it really does, if she is someone who can handle some feedback, just talking about it in a very kind way of saying like hey, I would really appreciate it if you could let us know when you're coming or once you're here, you know, make sure you hit the doorball so that you don't catch me in my towel or something. Yeah, that's great, I love it all right. Last one. We are blended family with grown children. They they were already out of the home we met Mary. There are grandchildren each side that we both love like our own, and we are often asked to babysit. Since my husband had his heart attack several years ago. We are very healthy eaters and exercise regularly, but our children think we should supply our grandchildren with candy, soda and Junk Food when they visit. Husband said we should just go along with their wishes, but my thought that is my home and we don't eat like that. What advice do you have for us? Choose your battles, and that's great advice. Like what's what's the harm in having it in there? And then maybe is it the problem? We don't want it there, because then we're will slowly start snacking on it and whatever. Then just, you know, yeah, let me move it when I leave. There might be more to that question than was being asked. Right, right, right. said it home with them when they go. That's a good point. That's a good point. Create I'm so glad that you agreed to come back with me today. I think these questions were great. I appreciate all your answers in your time today. Let's give me your socials real quick and I'll make sure to put them in the show notes as well so they know how to contact you. Good. Okay, thanks for having me you. You can follow me on Instagram, Crean Bowler. Tick Tock. It's care in the counselor and I think that's it right. Create a counselor on Tick Tock. Yeah, website. I'm sorry. Care in the CONSLOYCOM is the website. You're awesome, awesome. Thanks, Karen again. I appreciate you being here and enjoy the rest of your day. Thank you so much for joining me. I hope you enjoyed today's conversation as much as I did. If you'd like to continue the conversation, come on over and join our private facebook group what women want today, and love to hang out with you some more there. Any resources mentioned in today's episode will be in the show notes. You can find me on facebook and Instagram at what women want to day podcast, or visit my website at what women want to Daycom. Please remember to subscribe, download and share. Leave me a review. It helps other amazing women find the show and become a member of our community. One last thing for you today. You are not alone. You are worthy of love and a fulfilled life. Now it's time to go after it.

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