Sounder SIGN UP FOR FREE
What Women Want Today
What Women Want Today

Episode 78 · 3 months ago

Re-marriage in Midlife

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Today on the podcast I revisit an IG LIVE conversation with my Aunt Robin 

We both have remarried in mid-life so we have a very geniune and frank conversation about "wanting" a partner at this stage of life vs. "needing" a partner.

We talk about everything from menoopause, careers, hormone replacement therapy, kids, sex drive and OUR husbands.

Robin is such a warm, authentic person, I know you will enjoy our very intimate conversation about the ups and downs of re-marriage in midlife.

Hello and welcome to this week's episode of what women went today podcast. I'm so excited to be here with you today. I am being joined today by Robin. This was actually an instagram live that was recorded a few months back. Robin and I had a really fun conversation and actually a very vulnerable, um in genuine conversation about marriage in Midlife, actually remarriage in Midlife. We talked about the difference between wanting and needing a partner, we talked about how menopause affects marriage, we talk about waking and sex drive and we talked about blending families in the impact of stress on marriage and Midlife. So I'm so glad you're here today. Let's go ahead and join that conversation now. Sometimes there's just a little bit of a glitch at the beginning. Okay, this is my first ever instagram live. Just you know. Well, you know what you say about first times. So I want to just touch real quick on the funny story of our relationship because technically you are my aunt, which is hilarious, especially since I'm an only child. Even well so, my husband and your husband are nephew and uncle, because my husband's mom and your husband, brother and sister are like lots of years apart. I don't even know how many years it is. Do you know how many years it is? I think it's like thirteen or seventeen. It's quite quite a bit. So that's how that is how I came to have an aunt that is just a couple of years old. You know what's really funny about our relationship, and which is one of my favorite things about it, my love you so much, it's because we've only met in person a few times, I know, but whenever we get together it's just it's one of those relationships where it was just easy and picked right off where we left off. Every single time I got goose bumps. We were at my Um Stepson's wedding a couple of weekends ago and we had a chance to catch up and I thought it would be so fun to have you come on and joined me today and I thought we would talk about Um remarriage in Midlife, because you and Shannon, I think, I think, if I remember the story right, you knew each other like a long time ago, yeah, and then reconnected. So tell us a little bit about that story. Yeah, hold on, just I have to say hi to Ali. Oh my gosh, I just see one of my good friends. One welcome everybody. Um, I love you too, Ali. Um. So miney Shanna story. So, yeah, we knew each other in Um, junior high. I was in junior, he...

...was in high school, and life happened and he went to join the service. I went to college. He had these grand plans of coming back for me. Of course he never communicated that to me, but anyway, Um, you know, twenty five years later we hear both uh, divorced and Um and back in each other's lives. We we saw each other at a class reunion and Um, we both but the funny thing is both of us said at that time, Um, Hey, just want to let you know we can be friends. It's nice to see you again, but I am never getting married again. I had been married twice, divorced twice, and he had been married once, Um, for I think like nineteen years. And and he too said I'm never getting married again. And so Um. Anyway, we both laid those ground roles up for that. We could be friendly, but we were never getting married again. And here we are. How many, how many years later? Was that like? From when you guys are connected to the time you actually got married. Yeah, so two years and Um, and we've been married Ted. So, and do you remember? Do you remember how old you were when you guys reconnected? So, yeah, forty, forty, okay. Yeah, I find it really interesting. When I got divorced, you know what, and I talked to a lot of women going through menopause, and I get this common theme from a lot of women, especially if they are like in the midst of the worst parts of Perry Benopause, I'll say Perry menopause, is they sort of like this, get this like feeling like I don't really, don't really need to be with a man, rather just be by myself. Um, you know, I don't. I don't need to do all that again, especially if they've already done it once. And you and I have that in common, like I had been married twice before as well. And so a lot of them and are like Nah, and you, you and Jannen, said that to each other. So what you do mind? Yeah, you know, I don't know it. I don't even I don't think it was any one thing. I Um, I think it wasn't as much about uh, let me let me just say what's on my heart. And that is at that point in time in your life, at least for Mine, you know, I really saw men as more of uh, just another headache to have to deal with, to be honest, and I didn't need a man. And so you had a very successful career. You still do, but back then you were kind of like in the hey day of your career, right, but I just I honestly felt like what good, what good is a man? And and Um, having been through the two relationships that I had,...

...and, like you said, I had a great career, I had four kids, Um, and, to be honest, you know, being a single mom, it was kind of easy to take care of myself, do my job, take care of my kids, Um, and not really have the added Um, complexity and responsibility of being a wife. Um. And so I just kind of looked at it that I don't really need a man and and just the hassle of you know. And Yeah, I get it, I get how I approached and I feel like, and this this is a very generalized statement, but we're just having some girlfriend talk here. So Um, that the two of us. So Um, I feel like men kind of need us more than we need them. In this part of life in some ways and like and Brian and you know, wonderful husband, but the man could not take care of himself. He left for work this morning and stopped to chat with a neighbor and I could see his truck down at the end of the road and I don't know, he's probably sitting there ten minutes or so and then a few minutes after he drove off, I get this phone call and he says, what are you doing? And I said I'm just still sitting in the same spot and enjoying my coffee and and he says I need you to do me a favor. I said sure, and he's like, yeah, I drove away and left the tailgate and my truck down, so I had like four gas cans on the back of it and they fell off somewhere. So I was hoping, but then you could drive down the road and find it for me. And I said how do you get your life? Yes, it's just funny. I think. I think you know, we're so used to like you said, it's a single mom. I had four kids too when I met Brian and we're just so used to handling things and we just get in to like this frame of mind, sort of like well, why complicate life even more than the party is because you were traveling for work. I was traveling for work at that time when I met Brian, and it's just like yeah, when I was dating I said, Oh, happiness, she's a spot on mentor from horsboon or from Venus. Yeah, when I was dating, I went into it with the mindset of well, I don't really want to get married again, I just want to have some fun. Yeah, you know, I've been married for years and it wasn't a lot of fun, to be honest with you, and I thought I'm just gonna have some fun, I can financially take care of myself, I have great friends, great kids, like, I'm just gonna have fun, and about I don't know how many months into it wasn't a long long time, I met Brian and the rest is history. Yeah, I think it's funny you say that, because every time Shamon Sham is my husband's name, and he'll say, well, I don't know how I ever lived without you, because you know, of course, when we're...

...driving, I always have to tell him what he's doing wrong or or, you know, how to go somewhere and he's like, I don't know how I managed every day without you. I don't know how I've managed years on this planet without you telling me what to do. Um, but but it's Um. You know, I think that there are UM. I think that when you have a career. I do remember telling him at one point, you know, I don't need you, but I want you and and and then I will tell you in the in the ten years that we've been married, I realized, no, I do need him, and but I need him for completely different things than what I thought. I needed. Um, a man four right, and so I need I needed him. I'm I'm very um flighty, like so. So in my career, my personal in my career I'm very Um, organized, methodical, very successful, you know, Um type, a driven Um, set a goal, achieve a goal, set a new goal, right, and so I can run a tight ship as a single mom at home with kids. But Um, I needed I in my personal life I tend to be flighty. And you know, Shannon calls me his free spirit, because you're the one that leaves the gas cans on the back of the truck as you type away. No, I would not leave my no, no, I wouldn't leave my gas cans, um, but I would like. I like to go have fun and I like to I'm very I'm a risk taker. So I can't tell you how many businesses I've started. Um, I always kept my corporate career, but I would go start a business because I needed a creative outlet. And so I'm always trying to come up with something different or new or whatever. Um. And so. So what I need Shannon for is not what I thought I needed a husband for. What I need him for is he's the stability in my life and he he's the my dad. I'll never forget it. It was one of those like moments in my life that I was like wow, I never thought of it this way, but I remember my Shannon and I got married. My Dad has since passed, but my dad was sitting there watching me sit on the couch with him and later that night he said, you know, rob it's really nice to see you get to be a girl and and I'm forty something years old right and and I thought wow. But it was the vulnerability that he saw that I got to you know, like Um all the weight and the pressure and I had a partner and I...

...had never had a partner and I have a really good partner who's very safe and who's trustworthy and he lets me go be Righty, he lets me go be flighty, but then he pulls me, you know, back down into and so I was like wow, it was this whole new Um balance and anyway, it was great. It's great being married. It's great being married in this season and having all the experiences that that I've had um to really appreciate. You know what? No, I do know. So how do you think? I guess this is just gonna be like we're just gonna speculate, but how do you think, um, going through menopause, because you went through it pretty early. I didn't think that affected the way you guys like communicated, the way your responses were of things, because I've noticed a difference in myself, and I know Brian has like this person who has always been like very and I'm still pretty conflict avoiding, but someone who would usually just like be quiet and kind of just, you know, I don't I'm not quiet as much anymore as I used to be. So did you experience some of that as well, like going into relationship? That's I don't know. So menopause snuck up on me and and I literally went from I think I was about forty five and I went from normal, Um, like just normal normal robin two um menopause like and so and maybe I had menopausal symptoms that I didn't recognize because it just it literally snuck up and it. And so I don't know. Um, and I've researched now, because I'll tell you, ever since I hit went through menopause like in a month period of time, um, everything has changed. And but primarily it's what I've recognized is, uh, my energy levels are just not what they used to be. Um, my uh, weight gain is like it doesn't it doesn't even seem to matter. Like I swear to if I went on survivor and had to starve for death, and it doesn't matter, I would still on the way. So sex drive, of course, is completely diminished. My Tell Shannon, I'm sorry, I feel like I've Bait and switched him. Um, but uh, you know, I don't know about my menopause. It just hit me so quickly that I didn't even recognize it. And then I think, Um, now that I'm living with it, I recognize. Oh maybe this is because I did go through menopause so fast. Um, you know. Yeah, and you didn't have like it's directing me or anything that threw you into menopause. No, because I hear that from a lot of...

...the women who had his directed me, like they really don't know what their symptoms are all about because they just stopped having a cycle when they had their his directomy and so they didn't have that like year of waiting to say, Oh yes, officially in menopause now. So for them there was no markers or anything. You know, they were still getting their cycle regularly and you know. Um, but yeah, I've noticed the same when you and I were talking about this at the wedding, just, you know, the waking you you feel like you look at food and you know, Michael, just attach it to your hip or something exactly ridiculous. But I also hear a lot of women complaining about the sex drive thing and, Um, I didn't get a chance to tell you about the testesterone. I'm gonna have a doctor on the podcast in a few weeks who's going to talk all about like hormone replacement therapy, like a more natural hormone replacement therapy. So make sure you actually thought maybe I should be sneaking so much handon's hormone, testosterone the vitamin's office. Here you go. Yeah, men, men have the same thing. It's just, you know, there's a couple of things that play with men. Like, first of all, they don't talk about it like women were much more willing. Most of us are much more willing to share, like reached out to a girlfriend and say, Hey, I'm struggling with this. Did you struggle with this? But then are going to say, Hey, dude, I don't feel like having sex as much. You know exactly. So, yeah, but they struggled too and Um, this after night we go into that a little bit. We don't talk about the men as much, but there's a it's called anthropause, and a lot of men stuff with it. And Yeah, I think, I think it all kind of plays together in like the communication and the frustrations. And if you didn't start out as good communicators, like against that, you're going to hit it and go with it in in Midlife. Are Probably you know what I think about, like Midlife, mayor, if you think about Shannon says, we've packed. We've packed an entire marriage, we packed an entire life into the last ten years. And so I have thought about when you bring up menopause, like I never that never has even been on my radar as something that could be affecting you know why I want to sleep and why I never even thought about it because I'm I'm looking at this, thinking about getting married at forty or thereabouts, a little bit younger. Um, I think, Um, oh my gosh, we had he retired from his career. Um, I retired, or I didn't retire. I changed careers after a seventeen year career. Um, and so he retired, I returned, I've changed jobs. Um, he moved here. We had four kids, we had three X is, we had the whole blended family, the new step dad, the...

...so we had the for the first time ever in our life in my family before Shannon came into the family, we had a strong male figure that Um was messing up the whole order that we had going on. Um Rightfully so. He was trying, and so there was such a state of chaos for the last for the last you know, I would say it's gone up. You know, it's it's been like this. But like the whole thought of menopause and and Oh, by the way, I'm going through menopause also. Like that never even touched my radar because we had so many other stressors. Um that it. Uh, yeah, maybe maybe I did have all this menopause stuff, I couldn't even recognize it from all the other just chaos that was going on. For the best, mine was very obvious and I wonder sometimes if stress almost makes some women symptoms worse, because, you know, a lot of the same stuff you're talking about the blended families, traveled for work, you know, we built a house, you know, we did all these things. We have lived a lot of life in the last ten years as well. Um. But the thing that was probably the most telling for me was, um, we had to be driving down the road in the middle of the winter in Arizona, which you know, in January we still get cold in Arizona. Um, and all of a sudden the window would go down and he just looked over and I would just be like, you know, over there dying. And so mine was very obvious and Um, and even now, like one of the things that's so different for us is, you know, we've always spent we're both very affectionate people and you know Um, which is not hugely differ from my other two marriages, but Um, it lasted longer. Like you know how it wears off quicker, and for me and Brian it's just never really worn off. I think this is here to stay, but I'll when you're in menopause and someone is right here at your neck, like breathing there and trying to sleep doesn't work out very well. I'm hilarious. Well, I've always been Um. So that's funny. I've always been hot natured Um. And so people say, did you have the hot flashes or were you hot? To be honest, I've been hot my mother. My mother blames it on a really high fever. This is true story. My mom says that when I was a little kid I had a really high fever, like crazy high fever. have to go the emergency run and and she said, you know, rob your body timp but you're never went back to normal after that high fever. And so I all ways, I've been hot my entire life. Really. Yeah, so...

...we keep our bed. It's so funny. If you come to my house, it's Hilary, my mom, my aunt, my girlfriends. They will bring jackets and they will crack, they will grab blankets to sit at our house. I actually been to your house and you weren't there. Oh yeah, that's right, the story for another day. And so my house is on sixty seven degrees. Our thermostat is seventy eight for this air conditioner. Se Eight. I'm hot. Like I'm hot. I'm going to tell you. I'm I'm sweating right now. I'm way hotter, like going through menopause, I feel like, and I have no proof of this other than the fact that I sweat now, and I never used to sweat, but like I used to go work out at the gym and just barely break a sweat, and I mean I was exercising. Now I walk out in the desert for thirty or four minutes, I come back soaking wet and it's really yeah, it's not very it doesn't feel I can tell you my bedroom temperature is sixty seven degrees and Um, and it stays on sixty seven and Shannon is freezing to death. Um, but anyway, I but it's always. I've always had that hot body temperature, and so that's what I'm saying. Like I don't even know, aside from getting fat not having any energy and a lower sex drive. Um, and maybe it is some of the Moody. My job has always been so stressful, Um, that I think I honestly have been operating in a fighter flight um space for so long that I that even if I am if the stress is adding to the sent menopause symptoms or I don't even think I would recognize it. Yeah, because I've just been like somebody asked me, a friend of mine asked me the other day. She was like, I was talking about work and she was like, well, why don't you, Um, why don't you quit? Like why, why do you keep doing all these stressful you know, I'm like that's never entered my mind. Like I I this is what I know to do, this is what I'm good at doing right this I thrive in this environment and it's all that I know and I love it. Um. And so it's you know, it's funny. I I coach a lot of women who get to Midlife and and they do start to question a lot of a lot of things, you know. Um, it can be the woman who didn't really have like a like a quote unquote, career, just had a job that devoted so much of her time to herself or herself, her family and her husband, and then all of a sudden the kids don't eat them anymore and then they go, oh, I could literally reinvent myself in this part of my life, and they do and it's exciting. That's I want to reinvent...

...myself to the next season. Um, like whenever that, whenever that season happens. I guess it'll be when the kids get out of high school and they're in college and there, you know, launched. I guess that'll be the opportunity to do that. You still don't have an empty nest. How old are your youngest? Yeah, my youngest are fifteen and fourteen. I have a sophomore in high school and a freshman in high school. So so we we see, like we're just looking right over the little fly up on you. Yeah, we can see it. Um, how do you think you'll feel when you get there? I don't know. Even going from four to two Um has been honestly, just the laundry is less, the food is less. I mean they're boys, so that eat a lot. But Um, the driving I used to be when I had four at home by myself, I would be in the car for two or three hours at night driving each person to all the different thing after working all day, flying back home from India to go make it to some performance. Um. But I um now just having to to do that for it's almost like wow, this is pretty easy. Um. And then I can't imagine. I'm already, you know, thinking, I can't imagine not having just the two. Yeah, but I'm looking for I am looking forward. I am I'm looking forward to all the things that I want to do. Um, and I've got that creative side. I think that. I think that's why I've started so many different businesses as I worked in corporate America, is because I always needed outlet. YEA, and my husband has found you know, he wants to go fishing and he wants to go hunting and he wants to go do those kind of things, and I'm like, it's kind of hitting me that, you know, Robin, all those things that you wanted to do that you haven't had the time to do. You actually have the time to do it. You need to start doing it. Yeah, I really really do. You really do. It's funny too, because when I met Brian, my youngest Maddie, Um, I was twelve and I said, well, I'm gonna date, but if I got into a serious relationship it would definitely not be with a man that had children. And I did. I dated. I dated a man who didn't have children and it was awkward because he didn't understand that Maddie came first. You know, Maddie had to be she was still a child, she was twelve so and I traveled a lot for work, so when she was with me she was my number one priority and someone doesn't have kids doesn't understand that. And then, Um, then I dated...

...another guy who had one son and he just had this very odd relationship with his ex wife and his son and I was like I'm not going to get mixed up in all that. And then I met Brian and I was like, oh my gosh, three kids, like literally like my my of an empty nest just went to the wayside. But no, it's been interesting. It's been interesting, and I'm sure Shannon feels the same way about, you know, helping you with this last part of the the kids's life. Like it's challenging sometimes, but it just I don't know, it's worth it. It's worth it. It is worth it. It's Um. I was looking at them. I didn't realize I was looking at the comments. Um, I didn't know that divorce rates are high. I wonder if divorce rates are high during menopause, because it also happens to coincide with the time that people can, like you know, I know a lot of folks that didn't, that don't, get divorced while their kids are at home and then they and then they wait until the kids leave and then they end up getting divorced. So I wonder if that's statistic has anything to do with menopause or if it really has to do with the fact that they wanted to get divorced fifteen years earlier but they just waited. Yeah, they call it, I think they call it gray marriage. I'm trying to go back here and see some of these comments. So happiness joins me every week and she's from the Philippines. She said, ironically, with toxic this toxic masculinity and the persistent idea that feelings are a female thing, we will continue to bear the burden of men's national life too. Hormones are extremely powerful, so maybe it's not a coincidence. At divorce raised the high higher during menopause emotionally can be very traumatic and damaging, but the right understanding and more conversation about men possibly very helpful. Just some random thoughts. Thank you, happiness. I always appreciate your random thoughts. They're very much welcome. So so let me talk. So Lisa is on. She is a cousin of mine and Um and I it's so funny. I watched what she's doing, she and her husband, Um. I think they probably married later in life too, but they are they have an RV and they travel to all these places and they're just like they're like, okay, we're gonna go to North Carolina for this. Anyway. I see her on like High Lisa Robin's cousin. I am so Um. I watched that and I just daydream like like that is we've talked about this. Oh my goshday and daydreaming about that, like I just have another friend just quit her job. Should they bought an RV? They've. They've been gone, I think, for three weeks, South Dakota and you'res like going down to the New Mexico, the balloon festival. I'm just like that's what I I want to have the freedom to do those kind of things and I don't want to wait. And I'm seventy. I know I hear your girl.

So I do this game every week at the end of my time with my guests. Um, it's and he has a few different decks here that you can buy. Um, there's a code that I can offer to anybody who wants to buy. They're kind of fun. And you know what your your cousin who does the RV like those long times in the car. These are conversation starters. Um, dinner. It's it's fun and Um, as many conversations as you and I have had, we still don't know a ton about each other. So we've got to learn a couple of new things about each other today. So I'm going to throw the question now, you answer it and then I'll answer it. Okay, okay. And this is the W T F deck. So, because we're family, I was on I was on a conference call today and someone made a comment and I got a text message in the background wt Fu. Somebody made a horrific comment anyway, but we'll hope these aren't too horrific. We'll hope appropriate for the audience. But all we're all mid lighter. All Right, Oh Gosh, answer to this one. What's the most imaginative insults you can come up with? Oh my God, I'm not even good at being mean to people. I don't. I'm not either. I will say that I did tell my fifteen year old today that he was trying too hard. What does that mean? Because I hear people say that and I'm like, I really question what that means. Um. So he's fifteen right, Um, and he's at that puberty and trying to figure out, like he's kind of trying to figure out his brand. Right. So he's experimenting with clothes and he's experimenting with different hairstyles and he's experimenting with, Um, uh, just his brand. And and so he wore these silly sunglasses. He bought these sunglasses and he wore them to school today and some kids made fun of him and Um, and he got in the car today when I picked him up from school and and uh, his brother was saying that, you know, kids are making fun of you for wearing the sunglasses. And I didn't say anything and I could tell that he was wanting my thoughts and I waited and I said, you know, but I just think you're trying too hard. Did he shake it as an insult though? Yeah, he did so, and he was like well, mom, I don't really care, and I'm like no, you do care, and that was kind of care, but you're trying too hard, and so anyway, so that's that's the that's the best insult. I'm that's not...

...very good, but oh yeah, I very much refrain from from insulting people for the most part, but I'm probably Venus to my husband, ironically and Lou of our conversations. We always because, Um, you know, he came home early today because he came back from Alaska last night Ding home tell twelve, three in the morning and uh so, we neither one of US slept very well. So we're both gonna tired today. And when he came home early to lay down for a little bit and I lay down with him and I said, what did you eat for lunch today? Meeting, meeting, your breasting study. So that my night. Okay, I see, I'm all red just from being mean. Okay, Oh yeah, we're not going there today. You and I were gonna talk to some some somewhat about that in our podcast interview. So I'm not going to talk about that right now. Okay, can you impersonate anyone famous me either? impersonations? No. Um, in one sentence, how would you sum up the Internet and waste of time? Oh, you know what, I like that. I'm going to add to it. Um, waste of time, and I'M gonna say Um licensed to be mean and unkind for no reason. Yeah, you know, maybe we're maybe we're mingling Internet and social media. Yeah, if you think about the Internet in its original form, it was fantastic. It was to get data and information sharing to the masses, and you know, that was all great, but then the social media aspect of it has really I didn't know, because I'm just not on social media a lot. Um, and I didn't know about the facebook and instagram thing, for I didn't know that they went down with the blackout. You know what? Oh, I don't know which. I'm kind of happy like that makes me feel pretty good. But anyway, when I logged on and I saw all these people saying, what did you do all day without facebook and instat anyway, I just think it's a waste of time. I like life. I just did like well, I enjoyed our conversations day I can't wait for our podcast conversation. Let's get that scheduled. Thanks so much for being here with me today. Aunt Robin. Thanks for having me all right. Well, we need to get together soon. I want to see that New Lake House that you guys have. I heard, robin, I heard Um Klin and Logan had a wonderful time. Good, so we'll get that fand okay, I love you. I love you too. Bye. Thank you so much for joining me. I hope you've enjoyed today's conversation as much as I did. If you'd like to continue the conversation, come on over and join our private face...

...book group what Women Want Today, and love to hang out with you somewhere there. Any resources mentioned in today's episode will be in the show notes. You can find me on facebook and Instagram at what women want today podcast, or visit my website at what women want today Dot Com. Please remember to subscribe, download and share. Leave me a review. It helps other amazing women find the show and become a member of our community. One last thing for you today. You are not alone. You are worthy of love and a fulfilled life. Now it's time to go after it.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (89)