What Women Want Today
What Women Want Today

Episode 56 · 8 months ago

The Empty Nest with Debbie LaDeur


On today's episode I revisit a conversation with my friend Debbie LaDeur. We talk about transitioning into the empty nest!

We discuss?

  •  time-tested advise from those who have been through this transistion in life
  • realizing when you need to let go
  • things you can do to set yourself up for success
  • finding new purpose
  • giving back to your community

You can connect with Debbie on FACEBOOK -or- INSTAGRAM   

Visit Her WEBSITE to find out more about her business.

You can always find me on INSTAGRAM and FAC EBOOK or email m e EMAIL ME 

Hello and welcome to what women on today podcast. You might be asking yourself right about now. Well, what do women want? I mean, we're pretty complex creatures, right. Well, I think we weren't it all, and I'm here to export with you. My name is Terry Kellums, I'm your host. Go grab your favorite beverage, I've already got my glass of wine, and let's get started. Hello and welcome to another episode of what women want today podcast. My name is Terry Kellums and I am a coach for Midlife women and your podcast host. Thank you so much for being here with me today. Last week on the podcast we talked about transitions and, based on the feedback I've received, there are a lot of you out there going through some transitions, ones that have brought grief, and I just wanted to say I'm so thankful for your vulnerability in sharing those stories with me. Other stories that came about were transitions that were ultimately the catalyst for growth in your life, and I am so happy for that. Today on the podcast I am revisiting a conversation I had with my friend Ebbe La door on an instagram live a few months ago. I just love the energy and positive outlook she brings to the conversation about empty nests. But before we join that conversation, I want to share with you one of the reviews I've received on Apple podcast. This one came from User Dr o Br Three, three, three, a and T, and she says excellent podcast. Terry produces quality content that really resonates. This podcast is easy to listen to and keeps me engaged and wanting more. Keep them coming. I am so thankful to for these reviews and I hope that you'll keep them coming. Reviews and shares of the episode help other women find the podcast and join our community. Now let's join the episode. Hallo, how are you? I am good. I was just saying it's another hot day here in Arizona. Oh goodness, yes, we're still hot. I was just watching a friend of mine video and she was saying they had their windows open. She lives in Ohio. I was like really, guys, it's warm and humid here too, but probably not as much as Arizona. Yeah, yeah, well, okay. So let's talk about how we know each other real quick. This is such a funny story. If you guys don't remember Debby, she was a guest on the podcast very early on. I don't know what you guests like number six. Maybe you're so. Yeah, I should have looked it up, but we actually were both from towns in Illinois, probably about forty five minutes away from each other. Or should I say cities. I'm giving away my midwest when I say towns. So cities like forty five an's to pay from each other. But we didn't meet until when debby the coffee shop when I was my hair was like, I look like someone electric to me. We Thought, Oh, no, big guilt deal. will walk up to the coffee shop unprepared with water where in Arizona it's a hundred and seventeen degrees. Oh my gosh. We got there and I said to the lady I need something and then Jeff and I were at my husband and I were sitting down and I see this beautiful woman, Terry, in the corner. I think she must think we just came in like, I don't know, from the dust, and you came up and said I hear you guys are talking about Ellinois. I'm from Illinois and the rest is history. And the rest is history. So yeah, we don't meet when we live forty five minutes away from each other. But then I moved to Arizona and you come there because you own property in Arizona as well, but you don't we there full time. So you come there to check on your property and we meet in a coffee shop. I mean, what are the chidst like? We knew each other for a life, right and yeah, and we just it just was like from... one, just a friendship that is just continued over the years. What year do you think that was? I think we talked about this before. Do we ever figure it out? Was this two thousand and fourteen? I think you're right. I think this two thousand and fourteen, because I wasn't married yet, right, yeah, that's so cool. It was. But I was already living in that house, wasn't I already living? Right, you were two thousand and fifteen. Oh, it was fifteen. Yeah, yeah, okay, anyway, cheers to cheers to long friendships. Do you have something to drink? I like your drink better. Yeah, I just grabbed it it. Like I said, it's been a really long day. It's been really hot. I met Brian for lunch today and as I'm walking out the door and getting into the car. My the umber on my cars at a hundred and twenty four degrees and I thought, why am I meeting him for lunch? It's cool that off. You know, I think it's almost the whole fifteen minute ride into town because it cool. But we were, you and I were chatting last week and I got to I was thinking about you and I was thinking about your empty nest that's coming up. Yeah, and I thought I would invite you on today for us to just chat a little bit about how are you feeling about this upcoming empty nest of yours? You know, I'm trying to look at it with a very positive attitude because I don't want to make my son sad and feel like why am I leaving my parents, because we're all very close. My older two boys live in the city of Chicago, so he's been the only one here now, but it is you know, he was gone with a friend and like Tahoe for a week and we were both like okay, like you always wait for them to come home, you're doing their activities, you're involved in their life and it was just us. But then we were like, oh, we can do anything we want, we can go out to dinner and not have to worry about bring you know, not that he couldn't come with us, that we don't know, but then I was like then that reality hit, when you'd wake up and you know, the first thought is, okay, want, what do we have going on today? And it's now just going to be us. Yeah, just me and him. What are we doing today? And that the kids. And now he's going in Arizona to college up in flat staff. So how is that different from the other boys? They didn't go as far away. Right, my other boys were eight and a half hours away at Kansas and I thought that was far because it was a forty five minute wide and then we land and have to drive forty five minutes, which really wasn't bad. Right, this way I have to go get on a plane, four hours there and then, once I land in Phoenix, runt a car and then drive two and a half hours to flax out. Yeah, so that I'm like, yeah, that makes me a little more anxious. Yeah, and I think reality starting to hit him because Saturday marks the first boy he's had the tightest fund group. Literally since they were all four, these six boys have been hanging out with each other and the first one leaves Saturday, Friday, so their home very, very sad. Yeah, and you know, I don't know what the other two boys experienced, but I just remember how hard that first year is. And if you already know that first year is tough, like your mom heart is even more like oh my baby, because that's your baby. Yes, he is. Yeah, you know, and I think that's what's hitting him. And then he has quite a few food allergies. So he's going to be cooking his own meals and I think that's kind of like setting off a little alarm in his head. But what I have you know, we're working with him now and next week he's going to make we're tag tasking him with the grocery shopping and everything. He's going to make the meals. We're going to watch him. He's made, you know, meals before, but you know, so it. That'll be that'll be good. But you know, in a weird way, I think he's ready. You know how you can just tell, like they're ready to fly the coup? Yeah, I want them, you want to let go and you know, like I said to my husband, like when you say by them, because it's just the two of US going out. I said, please do not like hover our ball your eyes...

...out in front of them. You know you can tear up, but when when he leaves, you can do that. When I say goodbye, I will be controlled. I'll be you know, crying, but I'm sure they'll be a few tears coming down and then when I get in the car I can just go yeah, but I don't want to do it in front of him because I don't want him to feel sad or anxious. Yea. So now my youngest daughter, when she cause she's a bag staff at any you, I wonder if I'll ever come across path we would that be so weird if they met at and a you. That would be so full circle. It would be ful. But when she left, I had a little bit of a different situation because we were, you know, she had divorced parents, so she would spend part of her time and her dad's and part of her time at my house. So I was already sort of used to her not being there part of the time. Like you get into that rhythm where you know they're there this many days a week and then they're there every other weekend or whatever the case may be. But but you know when it really hit me, debby, was when she moved. She wanted to move her bed up to college, and the first time I walked into her bedroom and it was empty. Oh, I don't know how to explain that to somebody. Like I remember the kids, like when my first daughter went off to kindergarten. You know, you hear a lot of parents so like they're very tearful and they're very sad. I was so excited, I know I was excited for all my kids and they went to school. Yeah, for some reason, walking and seeing that empty bedroom so differently. I wouldn't like that either. Terry, I don't know how you did that. That that's probably reality. I mean it'll be very quiet. Yeah, and luckily I have my business and I'm going to volunteer more if we can of things, hopefully. You know, I don't know what's going to happen around here, but right no, I figured I will get more involved to get back hmmm, and that's what I really want to do, to keep busy. You know. You know what, that's a good point. That's a good point. So do you feel like at this point? I mean you we've already talked about that you had a pivot in life, that that you you know, you found this new purpose. But that's a great that's an actually a great thing to think about for women who are experiencing the empty nest. Like, even if you already have a pretty solid purpose, do you need to plan for like a new purpose? Do you see that sort of need to like mentally prepare right that empty space? Sure, I think that's what I'm looking for, is I mean my purpose with my business and right, like if you could compart metallize it, I just want to find that compartment that I could give back more locally here, and I just did find a couple of communities that want people, and so that's what I'm we're looking at now, whether that be through my church or there's a lot of, you know, organizations here that I think really that I know people at that I thought, Gosh, that would be so cool. So and it's all giving back in the community and that's you know, even if it was just an hour a day, that's it, just to fill up your cup, to feel like you're doing something worth while, you know, like yeah, I think that would be great. That's what I mean. Yeah, and is he sort of also in the mindset that he's going to have to get involved with things in schools, that he kind of gets, you know, into his new environment and feels at home or feels like he has a purpose as well. He did admit he's getting a little apprehensive, but he said it's he goes. I'm excited, mom, but I'm a little nervous too. And you know what I said back to him? I said, honey, that is perfectly normal. Yeah, exactly. I said those are normal feelings and you're going to be homesick, you're going to be far away. But then I know he's my Mr Personality boy. So okay. And when he went into high school, he came from ice very small private pro kial school into a huge high school, like he had like fifty in his class, and then he now has like nine hundred. Oh my gosh, it's Solti shocked.

Yeah, right, so I said the same you know, he was this feeling the exact same way, and yet he loved his high school experience. He loved meeting New People and sharing things. So I said, you remember when you were going into high school? You had those exact same feelings and it goes yeah, you're right, like it was all coming back to but it's different because he's living away, you know. Yeah, Oh, yeah, I mean that feels really far away, yeah, doesn't it? Yeah, so do you guys already have plans for like the first time that you're going to go see him at school or the first time that he's coming back to Illinois? Yes, he's coming back in September for a wedding and then in October we're going out for family weekend, right, and he comes home for Thanksgiving and then he comes up for Christmas break. So we already got once a month planned out, which I think that's great. Yes, I always did that with my other boys. So, yeah, I always feel like even now in life, like I feel like everything that's gone on in the world, you know, the past year or so, like I even feel for everyone, you need to have things to look forward to, you know, that are out. You like I feel like, you know, maybe like a week or so out and then maybe like a few months out and then maybe like even more long term than that. It keeps you, they keeps you start of moving forward when when life is a little bumpy or something. Right. That's a great point, Terry. I love where. I'm already looking forward to next month when he has and he has a left. Yeah, you know that's probably not right. So what it? I would you have for a mom that sending her first and only child off the school? Any good advice? Yes, for the first one, I remember taking my oldest son and, you know, he was so excited and and I remember thinking wow, when I leave there, I remember the feeling and it's completely normal, like we literally like said goodbye and, you know, I got terry eyed. But his roommate was there and they somebody came up and said, hey, the are a one says, you know down you know. So he already had plans and then they were going to the football stadium for something. Well, we got in the car and the whole way home I said to my husband, I wonder you like it was three hours into the drive of it, the eight and a half hour drive, and I was like, I wonder what he's doing now. I want to tell and my husband's like, we just left him three hours ago. You can't text them. So from my from advice from another parent, she said leave them be, let them know and then maybe the next day just say hey, how was that you know, because you don't want to be that helicopter mom when you're doing now, don't forget about that, unless it's medication or something like that. But I the advice of my neighbor who raised three boys. She said that to me and it was the best advice. She goes, let them be, love them if you want to send them text the next day to say how was it like, sharing their excitement, m and then when my second one left, he was joining his brother at the same university, so it was perfect. Yeah, so nay, I'll probably do the same. I'll let him be and just tell him I let you know, what did you do yesterday the next day and be super excited about it and say I'm so happy for you, and then maybe let another day go by. So yeah, I know some MOMS that said they tested their child all the way home. What's going to happen? You know, my older daughter, gallery, my oldest daughter, Bellery, the day that we were driving away, when we left her what? We took her to school to get settled in. We're driving her. She went to school in the Calb Illinois, and so you know how they have all the corn fields out there and everything right. Literally, we're driving and our tornado is coming through the CALB. They had tornado sirens, they had to go through all the like, Tornado safetiness and all. It was crazy. We have a couple of regulars on here. Just one acknowledge. We have a lady named happiness. Is My day job. She joins every week. So high happiness. I see your comments. Her emptiness got delayed due to the pandemic. She lives... the Philippines, so wow, that's really yeah, and then saw a couple of other people. I'm here. I think I pretty much waived everyone, but thank you for joining us today. We are going to play a little game. Debbie and I are let's go. So this is what's called pod decks and it's a gentleman that I've gotten to know and I love his business. He helps out podcasters. He's a really awesome dude and I've gotten to know him. And these can you can actually play these at a party, in addition to being a fun little tool for a maybe a new be podcaster who is not used to asking questions and things, but these are some conversation starters. So I ask you. Oh, I forgot. Happiness is in Philippines with it's morning for her and I'm over here drinking my happy hour. But okay, so there you go, to screw juice right, Scru okay, so I'm going to ask debby the question and then I'll answer the question after she's done. But here is our first question. What do you keep on your desk or workspace area that boosts your mood? This is a good one. Oh my gosh. Okay, so I have all kinds of let's say, the first thing that I look at. I'm going to this says be the reason someone smiles today. Oh, I love that. I just grabbed that. And then I love this. I look at these every day. Boss Lady, that makes me so you have the same one. And then, you know, behind me I have different things about my career. But just on my desk now, my screen saver. I am looking to earn a trip to Cancun and two thousand and twenty two. So I have that and that brings the joy because I dream about taking my whole family, which we can, and I look at I look at different parts of the screen saver, if that makes sense. So those are the things I know. There's more books that I love Oh yeah, this one here, this always brings me joy. I don't know if you've read this one, believe it by I haven't. Jamie, Jamie, I've heard of it. I've heard of this story about good I'll have to have that one. That's a good one. Yeah, okay, so me. So I got my I've got a lot of my podcasting stuff on my desk right now, so it's a little bit disorganized. But one of my coworker friends years ago gave me this and it always makes me laugh because this is so true copy working. The other thing is one of my favorite leaders from a corporate job I had several years ago. She gave me this and you know, I don't know if you've ever heard that story about the boy that was walking along the beach and they were all the starfish washed up on the beach and he was throwing them back in and it's GRANDPA said, you know, there's so many of them you you can't make a difference. You can't get that, you can't put them all back in. He goes. Well, I made a difference to that one. Oh my gosh, I haven't heard that. So yeah, and then my grant, my grandson's picture is always close by my little family to and then, you know what? The most probably random thing is is I and it's not here right now because I moved it, but a candle with my favorite scent, because if I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed or I need to ground myself, I grab a can't. Oh, and I just give you a couple of sniffs. All. That's a I did have one here and I think I moved. So that's a great point, though. Yeah, and these are fun like these. Could you imagine these so matching a couple who's had kids at home for years who kind of lost touch of just having fun conversation? This would be another question, questions, or like even like a fatter day or Sunday afternoon, if you like hanging out with some friends or something. Okay, here, we got over. Yes, Oh goodness. Okay, if you were given, if you were given...

...a thousand dollars to spend on your closets, friends, I'm Oh, on your closest sorry, I'm going to read. If you were given a thousand dollars to spend in your closest friend, what would you get, though? This is cool. I love this question. Wow, could could relatives be part of a friend. Okay, of course I would, probably knowing it would be my sister and I would probably she doesn't do a lot for herself and she has a granddaughter. So I would pick her up surprise her, if I could blind boulder and driver to downtown Chicago. I would book a room for us to stay in a beautiful hotel. I would have her have a spa day which she could get a massage, get a pattern care and manicure, and then I would take her out for a steak dinner, because I know she loves steak and she loves wine, so I think that would eat up a lot about bas yeah, that's really cool. It's because I was really a lowes person or makeup or any thing. So those things would be a lot to her. Yeah, and I was so busy listening to your answer because I could picture myself being there and do weak all those thousand dollars. It's been of my closest friends. What would you do whole? That's tough one. It would be an experience for sure, because I'm more of a quality time person, sure, more than gifts. So yeah, I think I'm right along there with you. It would be a day just the two of us, maybe starting off with copy and the pedicure, going shopping, just having deep, meaningful conversations, because that's one of my, like all time favorite things, is connecting with people. Yes, and yeah, just like spending the day just flying by the seat of our pants, going to lunch, visiting other friends like that. Would definitely excuse. Yeah, definitely all about the experience. For sure, that I could see you. I know you love coffee shops. I could, so I do. Yeah, for sure. All right, this is our last one. Okay, all right, I'm going to I'm going to cut the deck. I'm going to excite to anybody to think that I purpose of pick picking out these cards. So we're going to go, oh, this is interesting. What do you feel people complain about too much these days? Oh, Um, deep, that's really deep. I think. The first thing that came to my mind is the way of the world, no matter what you're for. The second thing is little things. I think that bother people maybe they're not where they are in life. So what I mean by that like if they look at an old picture and they say, Oh, I can twenty five pounds, I think it has a lot to do with complaining about yourself image or being jealous of someone. If you look on instagram and someone's in Greece, like eye relatives in grease right now, and I'm always saying good for you guys, that looks amazing. The pictures don't look real. Somebody else could look at that and go I will never go there, and that makes me sad. I think that's our complaining. A woman complaining about our hair and weighing. My Ninger than most, but also I've heard a lot of people complain about the way of the world now. You know h yeah, I think I'M gonna have to agree with you on that one. That I feel like it's just like the bulk of conversation. Yes, so the time, so much. You don't. I don't think I have one separate than that. I'm trying to think. My world is kind of small these days. You know, work for me all in about work. When you're out working, the complain about it. My husband does not ever complain about well, I shouldn't say ever. Rarely, ever does see complain about work. Oh I know when. I know when the PRITE, the housing market prices. That's just been crazy and so people are really a lot of people are really talking about that. That's like it's it is a concern for our younger people, you know, growing up and trying to buy their first home. So I have empathy, my empathy you for them. It is crazy.

Yeah, and then people that want to sell big are like, well, where am I going to go now because it has the manic or anything. Yeah, all right, so before we end, say it. Thank you so much for joining me, friend, but before we end, stay please tell people where they can find you a case they would learn more about you and your business and what you do and follow your story and you go on through this empty nest. Yes, well, I have. My website is www dot wladurcom, dot r Boncom, and you can follow me on Instagram, very easy. De Wi, Ladore and leuld you, it's Ie, and then lade, you are and I would love to have people because I put a lot of positive things out and I love positive messages, so I would love to help anyone. Yes, see, I know that it is true about you. Thank you so much for joining me today, Debbie, my friend. It is always a pleasure spending time and talking with you. Love You, love you to thank you for having me by. Thanks are ready for joining us today. Thank you so much for joining me. I hope you've enjoyed today's conversation as much as I did. If you'd like to continue the conversation, come on over and join our private facebook group what women want today, and love to hang out with you some more there. Any resources mentioned in today's episode will be in the show notes. You can find me on facebook and Instagram at what women want to date podcast, or visit my website at what women want to daycom please remember to subscribe, download and share. Leave me a review. It helps other amazing women find the show and become a member of our community. One last thing for you today. You are not alone. You are worthy of love and a fulfilled life. Now it's time to go after it.

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