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What Women Want Today
What Women Want Today

Episode 59 · 8 months ago

Who I was before I became ME

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

On today's episode we are talking about having a strong sense of self.

We talk about labels and expectations that are given to us that don't serve us on our journey.

I share how your attempts at growth, and living your purpose which leads to fulfillment are sometimes received by people in your life

I will give you three things you can start today to become the YOU, that you intend to be.

Eps 42 - Boundaries 

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Conversations for Midlife Women Facebook

EMAIL ME for a free discovery session or to share your review

Hello and welcome to the what women on today podcast. You might be asking yourself right about now. Well, what do women want? I mean we're pretty complex creatures right. Well, I think we want it all, and I'm here to explore it with you. My name is Terry Kellums. I'm your host. Go grab your favorite beverage, I've already got my glass of wine, and let's get started. Hello and welcome to today's episode of the what women want today podcast. I'm Terry and I'm your host and a coach for Midlife women who are struggling to define their passions and purpose and living a fulfilled life. Thank you for being here with me today. So, friends, I had company all weekend and this is the first chance to sit down and record this episode in peace and quiet. And as much as I love having company, Oh my gosh do I love having the house all to myself. So here we are today together. I'm glad you're here. Here's my...

...question for you today. Are you the you that you really want to be? Recently I heard a story of a young girl who felt so pressured in her everyday life to be perfect. She felt like she was performing. So when she went away to summer camp one year, she told the camp counselors that she wanted to be known by her middle name instead of her first name, and so at camp she became this tole, the different version of herself. She felt free to be whomever she wanted to be. Do find yourself in a grown up version of that story, adjusting yourself here and there to behave the way you feel is expected of you. May Be tampering down your inner light a little around some people. Maybe you're a little more quiet or subdued. So today we're going to talk about who I was before I came became me. I have a very distinct memory of a specific time in my life where I thought I knew who I was and who I wasn't. Now...

...there's a lot of history, so I'm just going to sprinkle a feel of the highlights for you today, but here are some of the titles that I was assigned to. Trailer Park, trash child from an abusive home, child of divorced parents, teen mom, divorce ee, mom, wife, lover, friend, sister, daughter, leader, coworker. And if I think about it today and I'm recalling those memories, I would say the title I would have chosen for myself was survivor and thriver. I had shrugged off so many of the titles thrust upon me and I kind of kept all my favorite ones. Mom, lover, friend, sister, daughter, leader. I was post my second divorce and in a career that I not only loved,...

...but I felt challenged and I felt like I was excelling at it. It was happy, successful, living out many of the things in life I had been longing for for so long. I could support myself financially, no one was controlling me. I felt happy, I felt alive, I felt like I was walking in my power for probably the first time in my entire life. And then someone close to me, someone who I almost felt like maybe I needed approval from for all those new titles I was embracing, set these words to me. You've changed, and it wasn't meant nicely. Those words, they kind of cut me, they hurt. They made me question all of my newly embraced titles. They screamed at me. How dare you be strong and rise above, but only temporarily. And then I said to myself,...

...thank God, thank God I've changed, because as life brings new challenges and our circumstances change, we have no choice but to change along with them. I'm not who I was at twenty, or thirty, or even forty for that matter. Now I wasn't exactly where I needed to be at that moment. I still had work to do, lots of it. I needed to get to the place where I didn't feel like I needed anyone's approve full to just be me. Those words, uninvited and unwelcomed, stayed in the back of my mind and, although I don't think I was always consciously aware of them, I do believe it affected the way I behaved. It made me hold back in certain situations and I found myself trying to be what I thought people expected or wanted me to be, still not at the place where I could just simply be me and feel like I would be loved and accepted no matter what. Now here's what I like to say, and forgive me...

...for how basic and simple this is, but no one has the power to hurt you like the ones you love. I mean, it makes total sense right, because if some random person on the street said that to me, I could have destrugged my shoulders and said whatever and moved on. But when the people we love and care about most in the world, the ones we trust, the ones we try to be most vulnerable with. Damn it if they don't seem to carry the most powerful weapons. Often we find ourselves giving up our power and questioning ourselves. We lose. We feared losing the relationship, so we cave to their judgment and criticism of our choices. We want to defend ourselves. Sometimes we retreating back down. We question our right to be loved unconditionally. We doubt our value, we question are resolved to push forward with what we want, because we give them too much power in the...

...approval process of the decisions that not only impact our destiny but ultimately, the legacy that we leave behind. When you're in a close relationship, they're like a dance that becomes choreographed over time. My husband and I love to dance. We're always looking for an excuse to get out on the dance floor and recently we learned the two step. Well, maybe I should say we are still learning the two step, because unlike all of our other dance move that we've been doing over the years, this is a new thing for us. It's not comfortable yet, and I have to admit it is usually me that gets us off track and he laughs at me and says, why is this so hard for you? And it's because I don't want to keep track of the beat of music or count how many times to move this way and that way. So we aren't speaking our normal dancing language together, and in relationships...

...they are often unspoken expectations that are similar to a dance. When I do this, you do that. When I behave this way, you respond that way. So when you are growing and changing and your moves start to look a little different, your dancing partners are confused. Why is our choreography off? They've become to expect certain things from you and they often don't like it when we're not willing to react and behave in a way they've come to expect. So how do we build up that self assurance and confidence that's required? I'm going to give you three things today to get started. Hey, friend, before we get started on the three things I want to share with you today, I wanted to share today's review on ample podcast and it's from User Mandy might. It's actually a year ago. Here's what they had to say.

Wow, I am stunned by how perfectly you demonstrated vulnerability in each of your stories throughout this episode. I agree. Women do want to feel safe in their relationships. To be vulnerable and the freedom that comes with that release is a feeling like no other. Thank you for being courageous enough to create a platform for women to find encouragement and support. I look forward to your next episode and learning how I can apply thank you, thank you, thank you. I appreciate these reviews so much. Keep them coming. If you're not on Apple podcast and your platform provides spot for you to leave a review, go ahead and screenshot your review and send it to me, either through instagram or facebook, at the what women wants today podcast, or send it to me on my email at Terry a Terry Columnscom and I will be sure to include your review on a future episode. I will put links for both of those places in this show note so you can find it easy. Okay,...

...back to our three things. Number one, we have to ground ourselves in our values. So invest some time into identifying what your tap, Oh three to twenty five values. I wouldn't do more than that. I would start there and practice recognizing how your values impact your everyday life. Pay attention to the feelings in your body when you realize your behaving outside your values or when you're asked to compromise them. So much of who we are, the decisions we make and the behaviors we exhibit are tied directly to our values. Since I've realized that values I operate out of and how it drives my behavior, I am also able to recognize and understand when my values collide or don't quite line up with others in my life. Okay, number two, you have to change your story. If you've been telling you yourself that setting boundaries...

...will change your relationships, or if speaking in a way that lets people know you're standing your ground is received as unhelpful or not willing to compromise on something important and necessary for your growth, you're going to need to write a new script and it says I can absolutely be helpful in available, but not always at their convenience, and setting boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships. I talked about boundaries in episode showed forty two of the podcast, and I can put a link down in the show notes so that you can easily access that podcast topic again. All right, your story might have to say. I want you in my life, but if you only want me for what I bring to you and aren't willing to support me when I need it, this relationship is no longer sustainable. I know my own personal story told me I needed to be loved at all costs, even when I knew it was hurting me.

You will exhaust yourself trying to maintain a relationship that is one sided. Okay, number three. Identify your good qualities and create labels for yourself that you repeat frequently. You would be surprised how many women I coach that have a hard time identifying their positive attributes. So it could look something like this. I am loyal, and that makes me a good friend. I am generous and I use it to support my purpose. I am resourceful and I use that to support and share information with other women. You may want to do this for both your personal life and your professional life. Friend, you won't be able to give yourself all the self love you deserve if you're always giving way your power to everyone else's wishes and whims. Remember these words. You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and to work in progress. At the same time, growth and a desire to live out your purpose is something...

...you do for yourself daily and that requires a strong sense of self. As we near the end of our time together today, I'd like to encourage you to reflect and journal Im this. Are you the you that you intend to be? Are you work in progress, or are you still waiting at the beginning, unsure of where to start? If working with a qualified coach is something you might be interested in, it can bring clarity to these areas of your life. I currently have five new openings for clients. Reach out to me at arry at Terry calumn'scom to set up a free discovery call. We can chat and see if coaching is a good fit for you. All right, our time together today, it's coming to an end, so I will leave you with today's quote. It's by miles monroe and it says the greatest discovery in life is self discovery. Until you find yourself, you will always...

...be someone else. Become Yourself. Thank you again for being here with me today. Until next time, be sure to take good care of you. Thank you so much for joining me. I hope you enjoyed today's conversation as much as I did. If you'd like to continue the conversation. Come on over and join our private facebook group what women want today, and love to hang out with you some more there. Any resources mentioned in today's episode will be in the show notes. You can find me on facebook and Instagram at what women want to day podcast, or visit my website at what women want to daycom please remember to subscribe, download and share. Leave me a review. It helps other amazing women find the show and become a member of our community. One last thing for you today. You are not alone. You are worthy of love and a fulfilled life. Now it's time to go after it.

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