What Women Want Today
What Women Want Today

Episode 57 · 8 months ago

Who's Judging Who?


In today's episode we dive into the topic of judgment.

Who are we judging?

Why do we judge?

Who does it hurt?

What do our values have to do with judgment?

I also confess who I've judged harshest in my lifetime.

Quote: "Everytime you judge someone, you reveal a part of yourself that needs healing"

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Hello and welcome to the what women on today podcast. You might be asking yourself right about now. Well, what do women want? I mean we're pretty complex creatures right. Well, I think we want it all, and I'm here to explot with you. My name is Terry Kellums, I'm your host. Go grab your favorite beverage. I've already got my glass of wine, and let's get started. Hello, friend, and welcome to another episode of the what women went today podcast. I'm your host, Terry Kellums. I have a question for you today. Do you have a bucket list? What kind of bucket list is it? Is it a travel list, or maybe just things you'd like to experience, maybe recipes you want to try or books you want to read? Well, I have a podcast bucket list. It's a list of random ideas that pop in my head and I think to myself, I wonder if that would make a good topic to discuss or I wonder if I might want to interview someone on that. So for a while now the word judgment POPs in out of my head and one day I decided... sit down and dive into what it would bring to you, my audience, and what I might also learn from talking about it, but I keep pushing it farther and farther down on my topics list. Then recently I read a quote and it niggled and nudged its way into my brain until I could no longer put off talking about it. All Right, here's the quote. Every time you judge someone, you reveal a part of your self that needs healing. WHOA, I'm going to say one more time. Every time you judge someone, you reveel a part of yourself that needs healing. Are you tempted to pause the podcast right now to reflect on that? No, worries, I've got to covered. I'm going to put it in the show notes and it will also be a part of my post today for the episode on Instagram and facebook. But, friend, it's stopped me scrolling in my tracks and I was scrambling to ask myself who or what have I judged recently and...

...what work do I need to do on myself? I'm going to share that a little later in the podcast, so stay with me to day, friend. So here we are together examining judgment. My first thought was that judgment comes when we don't have enough information or knowledge on a subject, but I also believe that it comes out of our own fears and the idea that if we open our minds to consider new ideas, we feel a little insecure about who we really are. I'm sure you've heard this saying she is set in her ways. We all have ideas and ways of doing things that feel comfortable and we don't always want to change them. Change can be hard. We even judge ideas that seem crazy. And can you imagine what the right brothers went through when they talked about flying? But I also think is an as a society we have many quick judgments. We put into place a business based...

...on some yelp reviews, a person on where they live geographically, a post we see on social media that doesn't align with our values and beliefs, the way someone dresses, the way they parents are children. We have cultural, gender and racial judgments. I'm not going to get into religion or the lack thereof, or even political beliefs, but we judge women on whether they choose to not have children or if they do choose to have children, we judge both the MOM and the Dad if the dad decides to stay home with kids instead of mom. And there are many other judgments. I'm sure you can think of a few on your own, but I think this is all pretty dangerous territory for our own personal growth and for the human race in general in the long run. Judging makes us feel worse about ourselves and it perpetuates stereotypes.

It creates a negative space in your heart and in your mind. Here we are at the spot now where I need to tell you who I've judged the most harshly in my life. ME. I judge my appearance. I judge myself for both standing up for myself and not standing up for myself. I judge my productivity. I'm hard on myself the days I don't exercise. I have been asking my self if I've neglected my body in some way to be fifty two year old. Fifty two years old and you have a bum knee that I've been hobbling along on for a few days now. I judge myself for still struggling through my childhood trauma that makes it so hard for me to have confrontation with people without a lot of anxiety. Yeah, I could probably keep going, but I'm wondering if you've already started recognizing some of your own struggles with self judgment. Now, not all judgment is necessarily bad.

We do experience things that require us to make judgment calls. Say, we try a new Nail Salon and we notice that they don't use good hygiene practices. We go to a mechanic and they don't fix our car properly. When we go to an accountant, that encourage us to fudget of things a bit with our taxes. We want our children to make character judgments so that we feel comfortable with who they're spending time with. So what do we do? I think we start with awareness and grace. Sometimes we have to shine a light in the dark to really be able to see where we're going, and then the grace kicks in, because we're all work in progress. Years Ago I read this book called Change Your Brain, change your life, and in the book the authors talked about ants and how to use them to stop negative thoughts, and the word aunt is an acronym for another negative thoughts starting. I think the same principle can be used to become more aware of our judging...

...thoughts. Number one simply recognizing the judgment, and I would consider writing it down. If you're able to to reflect on what is happening that is causing me to feel this judgment. Three, have I always felt this way, or is something influenced a change in my thinking? Number Four, how might I feel differently if I tried to look at this with more information? Five, on a scale from one to ten, what's the importance of this judgment? Number six, does this make my life better or worse? Number seven, does this make me feel peace or anxiety? And number eight, am I willing to let it go? Now? I'm going to pick on my husband for a minute, but I did tell him I was going to do this. He we were sitting at a restaurant this weekend and the table next... us we're giving the waitress Sur drink orders and one of the gentlemen sitting at the table asked for an iced tea with no ice. And the minute I heard the man say that, I looked over to my husband and I could see this look on his face and I said, something's bothering you about what he just said, and he goes yeah, why is he? Why does he have to be difficult? Why can't he just ordered the ICED tea the way normal people order? I see and immediately I recognized that his value of being very helpful, which in his mind also means not being difficult, caused him to believe that that man was was giving the waitress an extra task or adding on to her duties as a waitress, and he felt as though the man could just take the ice out himself. So I said to him, I said, but if he doesn't ask for it the way he wants it, then he doesn't get it the way he wants it. Right.

And he said, well, you order water all the time at a restaurant and then take out the ice. Ice a right, but I'm not getting what I want. I want room temperature water and I'm just getting ice, cold water. Mine is the ice. So sometimes we make judgments based out of our own value system and we have the belief that other people should believe the same way we do. Now, as I've said in other episodes of the PODCAST, lasting change comes slowly and changing thought patterns takes time and effort. This past weekend I was invited to speak virtually in honor of International Women's Day, and one of the questions I was asked after I finished my talk was when you're seeking your purpose, where do you start and I recommended starting with knowing yourself, increasing your self awareness. What makes you well? You? Understanding your responses to judgment is a great step in that direction. Mindset... something I help coaching clients with, and if you need help with this, please send me an email and we can set up a complimentary call to see if working with me as a coach could benefit you. You can reach me at my email address, at Terry t erri, at Terry Callum'Scom and I will put a link in the show notes. All Right, I'm going to take a moment out of our time together today to think another listener for her review. It's Fonda K Norris, and here's what she has to say. Here is a woman who is for women. Terry has insight into topics that I didn't know I needed to hear so much. She has relevant topics, especially for forty plus women. I love her interviews with other coaches and experts her podcast have been a wonder of resource in my journey towards discovering my...

...passions, my purpose and simply managing midlife. Thank you so much for that. If you don't listen on Apple podcasts and you are able to review on whatever platform you enjoy listening to go ahead and just take a screenshot and send it through private message on facebook or Instagram and I'll be happy to share that on a future episode. If you are on Apple podcasts, in your on the show page for the what women want today podcast, what to do is scroll down past trailer for the for the show and you'll see ratings and review where it allows you to put us by star rating and then also write a review. I appreciate those so much. They really do help other women find the show. Okay, we've reached the end of our time together today and I want to get you a bonus quote. It's from the Mine Journal and it says it's easy to judge, it's more difficult to understand. Understanding Rep...

...requires compassion, patience and a willingness to believe that good hearts sometimes choose poor methods. Through judging we separate, through understanding we grow. Until next time, friend, I wish you good health and a happy heart. Thanks for being with me today. Thank you so much for joining me. I hope you enjoyed today's conversation as much as I did. If you'd like to continue the conversation, come on over and join our private facebook group what women want today, and love to hang out with you some more there. Any resources mentioned in today's episode will be in the show notes. You can find me on facebook and Instagram at what women want to day podcast, or visit my website at what women want to daycom please remember to subscribe, download and share. Leave me a review. It helps other amazing women find the show and become a member of our community. One last thing for you today. You...

...are not alone. You are worthy of love and a fulfilled life. Now it's time to go after it.

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